Not bitter......really

I'm not bitter any more I just well, I hate the holidays.

All of them.

Christmas is the worst.

There is SO MUCH on Families!

Which really is great, if the world concentrated more on families it would be a better place.

I can't help but feel empty inside.

I look back, and I look forward.

I will always be missing something.

No matter what I do.

No matter who I am.

It sucks!

On the other hand, how grateful I am to have my dear hubby by my side. Holding my hand. I am stronger with him next to me. He makes coping with the pain of losing my two boys more bearable. I am grateful I have someone who will hold me when I cry and help me find spirit of Christmas even when I can't bare put up a Christmas tree. I am blessed! I truly am!

Just Breathe

I feel so empty.
I have to remind myself to breathe.
No matter how painful.
I push forward.
Keep going.
Even in the foggy mist.
One step.
One breathe.
Scratching, bleeding.
Fighting for life.
Just breathe.

Cool fresh air.
Inhale.
Deeply.
Just breathing.
Refresh.
Revive.
Just breathe.

Gives me Strength

http://bcove.me/z72c8hkc

Hopefully this link will work. If not, you can find it by going to http://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2013/10?lang=eng&vid=2722351290001&cid=10

This talk given by one of the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It gave me hope and strength for the future.

If he has struggled (though it seems not has harsh that I have dealt with) and is able to not only function, but be successful and happy in his life. Gives me hope for my future with trying to have a new little one.

This talk gives a wonderful list of how to take care of yourself when struggling with a mental illness. Also it gives guidance to those who know people who are struggling. LOVE this talk.

I have never been able to say that I was grateful for getting PPD/A 7 years ago. I have just lost so much!!

I realized through listening to these words that I have learned a lot from that awful experience. I am much more empathetic to most people. Especially mothers. Being able to love people and be patient for those around me who are struggling, well that is a gift. For that I am grateful. I hope that I can help someone some where.

There is ALWAYS hope!

Slacking....

I have been MIA lately. I'm sorry. No 'fun/good' reason.

I've been grieving.

Grieving hard!!

My youngest b-day was last month.

I had a LOT of triggers dealing with his b-day this year. I hate the bad memories, the bad thoughts, the temptations that seemed to slap me in the face this year. I am however very grateful that none of those awful memories and thoughts made me feel the same way. They are a past memory. Because of them I felt a great loss for my boys. Especial H at this time. I feel I hardly new him. I can never get that year that I had him back.

Now...I don't know when I will be get see my boys again.

In the back of my mind I always held onto this hope that maybe soon my sister and her husband would see that keeping my boys from me was only hurting them more.

That hope. Well, it's gone.

They are still incredibly upset with me, because I am choosing to have another child in the future.

Though we haven't started yet. I feel that as the time draws closer for this child the time seem to triple the time I will have away from my little boys.

This breaks my heart.

There is nothing I can do for my boys at this time. Their future lies with my sister and her husband.

The tears haven't stopped. The days are a blur right now.

How do you grieve the loss of two beautiful boys who are alive, but you can't be a part of their lives??!??

Though I am struggling. I am not sick. I can see and feel the difference, but I am struggling with being able to function while grieving.

Until I have the answers. I plan to do what I can with each day and if someone is uncomfortable walking past me at Freddie's while tears stroll down my face, will just have to deal. No you can't change my circumstance, but a warm hand on my shoulder and a smile. Is kind and gives me strength.

Hoping to find some balance soon.

What Babysitting Taught Me

This week I got to spend a couple of days babysitting my cute niece K who is 5 and smart as a whistle and my adorable nephew C(2) of whom reminds me so much of my little H. At least the H I can remember and dream about. I knew the two days, 14 hours of babysitting was going to be a challenge for me. I went into this thinking okay, lets see how prepared I am to be able to handle having to take care of kids for that long on my own. It was by far the longest I've been asked to take care of kids since losing my boys over 6 years ago. I was nervous but I wanted to prove to myself that I could not only do it physically and emotionally, but that I would be successful and that next time K and C were told that I would be babysitting them they would be excited because I'm the 'fun' Aunt. 

So I may have put more pressure on myself than I should have, but I want to be a good mom. I wanted to prove to myself that I couldn't only do it, but find joy in it. Finding the joy was the most important part for me, because in my last days of being a mother to C and H I was having a hard time living in the moment. Enjoying their giggles, babble, endless chatter, and need for attention. Of course now that I'm doing so much better I wish beyond belief that I could have those things back....well all of it back, but you know what I mean. 

Some of the things that I tried with K and C didn't work out.  I admit that in the moment when K and C wasn't impressed or even willing to try these activities that I thought put time and effort into creating was not only frustrating but disheartening. I was failing...already! I physically shook my head telling myself to take a deep breath and just try something else. And I did. We finger painted, we played on the swings and jumped on the trampoline. I even let K pick out a movie while I held C to try to get him to take a nap( mommy forgot his playpen for nap time) K was thrilled and eventually C fell in my arms.The first 7 hours (1st day) wasn't perfect, but I was able to enjoy most of it. 

One of those sweet moments I was able to enjoy! Success!

Day 2 was a great in some ways harder in others. My DH was around in the morning. Which was awesome! I was able to shower and peace and gets some dishes done without having to worry about what the kiddos were doing. DH and I are going to make a great pair. DH even took K and C outside to play.

While they were out having fun. The tears came. They weren't the same kind of tears that dropped when I was sick trying to care for two children. They were tears of loss of my two beautiful boys.( Little C is just learning how to talk. He doesn't know my name and so he calls me 'moma'. It is bitter sweet to hear. I don't remember H ever calling me mommy.) They were tears of hope and gratitude. I was doing it. I can do it. Even though it brought back memories which I'm sure being a mother again will do. I am hoping that I will be able to enjoy the moments all the more because I will be having another chance instead of the opposite.

After DH left for work we had some more fun. We prepared a marshmallow fight for when their mom, grandma and aunt A came back from work. K was so so excited. It was fun. While we waited for the 'm war' I taught K and C sign language. Which K drinks in it like a sponge, I think she loves it so much because it helps her to communicate with C. She's a great Big Sister. :) C is really starting to sign a lot more, which is also getting him to talk more as well. It was so fun to teach sign. Something that I love to do. 

Waiting for Mom, Gma, and Aunt to come through the door.

K and C signs they made to let their Mom. G-ma, and Aunt know what was coming. Which we put on the front door with their bags of mallos.

I wish I would have gotten pictures of the fun fight. It was a blast!

The last two days was hard and so much fun. 

It has taught me two important things. 

1. I can have fun with kids and enjoy it without having intrusive thoughts or 'bad thoughts'. Maybe this was obvious. I mean I've never had any issues with other peoples kids, but I feared that since my nephew reminded me of my H that maybe I would have old 'bad' triggers. That didn't happen. Yeah!!

2. This future pregnancy and child while be emotional for me because it will remind me of the deep losses I have inside of me that maybe I haven't fully dealt with or may ever fully get over. That feeling those emotions will be normal, but that, those emotions are now separate from the ppd/ppa feelings.

I have made one more step towards being ready for being a mom again.

Yes, it was small, but small steps forward will still get me to the finish line.

Out of Darkness Walk

I did it.

I walked.

I wasn't sure I would be able to, given my bad back.

But I just had to.

It's been an emotional week for me. It being 'shark week' didn't help. As I was thinking about this walk and remembering the ugly, the lose, and the heartache....well it just made me incredibly sad. I read other bloggers stories, they inspire me and give me hope, but sometimes...some days I envy them. I wish that my story had ended more like theirs. I wish that I still had my little boys that I could tuck into bed each night. I wish that I could finally be one of those moms who found mostly joy in being a mom.

My journey was different. My losses deep.

As I thought of the many woman struggling right now. Knowing what it is like to not be able to find joy in the little things. I prayed. I prayed for them. I pray that they find the strength to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I pray they don't give up. I pray they are able to feel those moments of joy in being a mother one day soon.

As I walked this evening with my husband. I thought of those darkest days. The ones I didn't know if I'd make it through. Where there was just reminding myself to breath....in and out, in and out.

I thought of you and again prayed for you.

As I prayed I began to look around and realize all the beauties around me. The small things. The things I would have never been able to notice while I was sick.

In the middle (look closely) the swan you can see his reflection.

Tualitin River refection

DHubby

Two deer. Can you see them?!

The smell of the wet dirt, grass, trees.

Hearing the birds chirping. The splash in the river when a fish jumped and watching the rippling effect it caused in the water.

I could feel the warm sun kiss the skin on my face. The soft breeze tickling the hairs of my arm.

I could see the beautiful daises, and wild flowers. The otter swimming in the river, the bluish grey swan looking for dinner, the mother eagle sitting on top of her nest watching her little one. I imagine her encouraging and instructing her young one on how to fly as it was standing at the edge of the nest looking around trying to find the courage to spread its winds and fly.

My journey was painful and I have losses like everyone who experiences PPD/A but I have grown. I am stronger now. I am once again able to find peace and happiness in my everyday life. I am blessed.

I believe in the cause. I believe that knowledge is power. There is hope. There is Always Hope.

PostPartum Awareness

I have realized lately how much I lack in knowing the technology part of blogging. It seemed easy to start writing and letting people view my inter most fears and hardships. Hoping that maybe it will help someone who maybe be struggling, or perhaps help someone who knows of someone how is struggling.

I find myself frustrated in my lack of ability to help give support and awareness.

Next week on June 21st is a Climb out of the Darkness walk/hike for anyone and everyone who will help support the efforts in finding hope and light while suffering with mental mood disorders. I follow several blogs who are trying to earn money for this cause. It is a great movement and I wish I had to knowledge to help as they are.

Yet, I am lacking.

However I have learned to even though I am in Oregon, and it seems there is no 'climb out of the darkness' here. I can still join and do my own here at http://www.postpartumprogress.com/

I hope you can join me where ever you are in showing support whether financially or physically.

Help spread the hope.

to C & H

 There are so many things I wish I could say to my boys. Especially now as DH and I are planning and preparing to start to try to have another child. I wish that I could convince them of my love for them. I wish they knew how badly I wish that I could be a part of their lives right now. How I wish they weren't hurting or were confused about how come they can't see me. The list could go on and on. I LOVE! THEM! SO! MUCH!!!

I found this song today on youtube and it made me think of them. I love you C & H!!

Who HATES Mother's Day?!

I DO.

I remember as a little girl making/buying gifts, cards, or whatever for my mother. Singing to her at church and possibly even at home. It was great for me to remember/realize how much my mother really did for me. Honestly I must have been a very self centered child because rarely do I remember making such an effort to let her know I was grateful then on Mother's day.

Still today. As I think of Mother's day it gives me an excuse to treat my mother with something special. I enjoy being able to tell her I love you and thank her for her endless hours of service and care. I'm always amazed when I think about it, what an incredible job she really did.  That part of Mother's day I LOVE because the mothers in my life truly are incredible woman and deserve to be appreciated. I am grateful for this part of the day.

When I was a new mother I loved it as well. I was prego with my first and the anticipation I felt and the love I had for my unborn child was a dream come true. I'd always wanted to be a mother and moving forward in the goal was an incredible feeling.

Now however.

Ugh!! 

Mother's day is now taking my the loss of my two boys and shoving really hard in my face. No it's more like slamming in my face with a 2X4.Taking the dagger in my already infected heart and twisting it over and over again. I know it is unfair of me, but I envy all the mothers that are around me. Wishing that I was crying over the fact that I didn't feel like a good enough mother because Suzy over there is able to stay in shape, while home schooling her 7 kids, has all of her families year supply, cans and gardens every year, goes to all her kids endless events/games, and makes healthy yummy home cooked meals everyday, while keeping her house clean and adorable decorated as well. (You get the idea.) I have nothing to compare with. My boys are in someone elses arms this mothers day. They are making their adoptive mother little gifts made out of paper. They are telling her thank you and I love you.  (I am glad that they love their new mother, and show her the love and respect she deserves. Their mother is amazing. )Not me.

Will I ever get the chance to have that experience. Probably not with them. Maybe one day if J and I are able to have children in the future. Even then, though I will have joy in being a mother. And I will love those children and do the best I can as their mother to protect, teach, and provide for them. Those kids will never replace my little boys. I will always wonder how they are and always wish to be with them.

So to all my friends and family out there who try to tell me to look to the future. Concentrate on the now, tell me that you completely understand, or what ever advice you feel will be what I need to hear. Please refrain. You don't understand. It hurts and right now I just need a shoulder to cry on not a lecture on how you think I should be feeling. Please just hold me and show me that you care.

   

After a LONG, UGLY Week

After the tramatic week with my family.

I have needed time to recoop.

Yesterday Jake and I went to his parents for a yummy random turkey dinner. We ate and played a few games. Jake and I even went out on the tramp and watched the clouds for a few minutes drinking in the sun.

Today I took a napwith the window open. (Usually I don't like taking naps because I can't seem come night and I always seem to have bad dreams) but today it was just refreshing. I needed it.

I talked to my older brother today. He was kind and gave words of wisdom. I expected nothing less from him. He's amazing! That's why we call him 'John the Beloved' in our family. It brought more tears as we talked about the UGLY things said and done that happened last week. It is frustrating that this can't be a happy time for us. Especially for Jake and his family because they had nothing to do with my past and the UGLINESS that showed it's face this week. I am grateful for my brother. Living so far away and still taking the time to show he loves me, is nervous to support me in this, but being kind about it.

Gives me a little hope that in time, maybe just maybe things with my family will calm down again.

Maybe.

Until then I am choosing to take care of myself right now. I can't let their negative, hurtful input drag me down.

So I will continue to cry and mourn the loss of my sister, and the support of my other siblings.

I will also take time to treat myself to 'me time' like taking a nap once in awhile.

I will continue to research and prepare for this new adventure and challenge of having a child with my wonderful supportive spouse.

When I do get pregnant I am determined to make it special for Jake and I. This will be something to celebrate. Yes we need to prepare for the worst, but we will definitely be hoping for the best.

Family Drama

After a LOT of thought, prayer, fasting the decision has been made.

Jake and I are going to try to have a baby.

As we are in the process of finding a professional team together to support us in this journey as a precaution for a repeat of PPD/A we decided it was time to tell my family.

Telling my family was something that I was dreading doing from the beginning of trying to decide if trying to have a child was the right thing for us.

Well this week I wrote them an email and forwarded it to everyone in my family. I knew that it wouldn't be pretty or fun, but this has become incredibly UGLY. It seems to brought all the pain from the past PPD/A experience crashing down again on my family.

I understand their concern and fears. I do. I totally understand that. However, I am frustrated with them being so mean and vindictive in their response. They seem to refuse to hear me out. They think I'm being manipulative and selfish. It's hurtful and so hard.

My oldest sister has now told me she wants NOTHING to do with me and my life now. I fear she is the first. :(

I HATE this!!

I am trying to be open and forgiving about all of this.

I am grateful Jake encouraged me to talk to them about this now and not wait until I was prego. Dealing with all of this while feeling sick and dealing with all the hormone changes wouldn't have been fun and could have triggered the PPD/A to show up earlier than it did even with my last.

I KNOW Jake and I are making the right decision for us. I KNOW that. I don't know how this pregnancy and post pregnancy will go, but I have faith and the comfort of knowing that I'm making the right decision regardless of what my family thinks.
 

It's HARD. This makes it HARDER, but not impossible.

Hoping with time, my family will come around. If not. I will continue to grieve for my loss, our loss, and our babies loss. But I am grateful for the family they will have in their lives. Jake's family who thankfully fully support our decision. We are blessed. 

If you want me to Lyrics ~ By Ginny Owens

Today was the first time I heard this song. And I LOVED it. It perfectly describes how I am feeling right now. The road to having a child may really be super rocky and at times I may feel incredibly alone. Like I did after H, but this is my new theme song. I will listen to it as the anxiety and fears increase about the unknowns of the future. A great reminder to me that I am NOT ALONE, and neither are you.

www.http://youtu.be/OuElxkQsMk4

I Want My Mommy!

I'm sick. Again.

Whenever I get sick I always get a little homesick as well.
I guess homesick is the wrong word, really I just want my mom.

I feel like crap. I know I should eat something.
I know I should be drinking fluids like crazy.
Etc. Etc.
but my whole body aches, my head is pounding, and I fear that if I move I wont be able to keep what I do have in my stomach down.

If my mother was here she would lay me back down.
Make me some chicken noodle soup.
Bring me herbal tea and lots of water.
Make sure I was warm and comfortable.
Tell me she loved me.

Moms are wonderful like that. Even though my relationship with my mother is maybe a few texts once a month. She has the knowledge, patience, and love to help me feel better.

Am I the only one that just wants to be cared for like a little kid when sick?

Love days like today

The sun is shinning.

I got to spend an extra 5 hours with my hubby, because he didn't have to go to one of his jobs today.

It always feels so good to just be with him. It doesn't matter what we are doing.

Today we went and bought him some running shoes.

He's not a runner, but I signed us up for the Color Run coming this fall...so he's going to start training.

I hope he loves it.

We also went grocery shopping. Whoopie, right. Well, it was.

It is so nice to not have to go shopping alone.

Then we hit up goodwill. Looking for some cheap towels for swimming and a shower tower.

Guess what I got. 

I can't believe I did it, but it was such a GOOD DEAL. I bought a maternity swimsuit. I know I jumped the gun, but seriously it was $8 for a brand NEW 2 piece. Score! It's cute too. :)

I figure I can wear it now, because of how it is made. It will just be a little lose on my stomach, but that wont matter much. It's not like I'm going to go diving or anything.

Enjoying the little things makes the other stuff not seem so blah.

Have a fabulous day!

I LOVE You Up To The Moon

Thinking about my boys today.

Wondering what they are doing. What they ate for dinner. Who they played with. If they got to go on a horse ride today with their dad.

Always wondering, wishing, and aching to be there with them.

I love you C and H!!

Found this song today and wished that I could tell you that I love you up to the moon and as big as the sky.

http://youtu.be/Fb6D7MFPBH0

New Place

Well it happened. We moved. Already.
Talk about a crazy month.
I hate moving.
The worst is the cleaning up after moving....or is it living out of boxes day after day till you finally are able to get everything put back in it's proper place.

I have made lots of check lists/to do lists to try to keep on top of the demands of moving.

Oops! I forgot to pay rent. Such is life.
Thank goodness we got the internet today so I can do it online without getting a late fee.

So much for my check lists.

Besides all the craziness we Love our new apartment.
For an apartment it's amazing at least to us.

We upgraded. Yeah! To be able to afford an upgrade.

We have a fireplace! How romantic. How warm and dry.
Now hopefully we wont have mold issues.

Speaking of mold issues. When Jake and I took off the allergy cover off of our mattress to wash we saw mold...YUCK!! The end of our bed was spotted with big ugly black mold.

However it explains why I've been sick lately. (I thought I was prego! Ahh! Not quite ready for that just yet.)

For now we are sleeping on an air mattress.

Things are a little tight right now given that we paid a full months rent on the first at our last place. Rent, and a deposit for this place and in two weeks we have to pay rent again. Eek!! So for now the air mattress is heavenly, much better then the cold floor that's for sure.

Oh the joys of moving!

Happy International Woman's Day!

What a beautiful day today.
The sun has been shinning all day today.

Ahh! It feels like Spring.

Other good news. Jake and I found an apartment.
Wahoo!
We love it!

Move in next weekend.

It's a two bedroom. For now a office/craft room, but maybe....one day a nursery. One day.

I have been baby hungry lately. Thankfully I have a fabulous friend who had two adorable kids, who lets me come over and love them.

It helps for now.

Still doing research, thinking, talking, etc. about maybe trying to have a baby.

No decision yet.
So many mixed emotions, excited, longing, scared, worthlessness.

One day, we will decide and push forward, or take another route.
Jake promised me if we decided no or if the Lord told us no then we would get a dog.

Today I am feeling renewed. Crisp clean air, warm sun, new apt., good change.

Hope you are finding something to smile about. :)

"Sure God created man before a woman. But then you always make a rough draft before a final masterpiece." - Unknown

Apartment Shopping

Well yesterday we put in our 30 day notice at our apartment complex.
They decided to up the rent on us.
Kinda ticks me off.
I've been renting now (not that I'm proud of it) for 10 years now and NEVER has anyone ever increased my rent.
We have been here 9 months and in 10 we will be gone.

To be truthful we were already discussing moving this summer.
The winter has been awful here.
I have to wash the windows at least one a day and even then they never seem to completely dry out.
It took them 7 months to finally get me a stove that works.
Increasing our rent was the last straw.

So today I'm going apartment hunting.
On my own.
Yuck!

Moving completely stresses me out.
I HATE it!
Thankfully I have some time to gradually pack.
I have a herniated disc in my low back so it has to be slow.

Change it's stressful, but it helps us grow.
Hopefully this will be a positive change and we wont have to move again until we buy a house.

Wish me luck! :)

Long Winter Months

Let's just face it Winter Months are long.

They just drag.

With little sunshine, especially in Oregon.

In Oregon we get what I call Bipolar weather when we do have some sun during rainy season. In one car ride you may have to have your sun glasses on and the next few minutes later the heater on and the windshield wipers going as fast as possible to give you that split second of clear view through the down pour.

I struggle.

I love the Sun! When it does show its face, my heart seems to grow.

Enjoying a moment of Sunshine!!

It's rejuvenating!

To help me I have an Ott-lite a natural daylight lighting. I got mine at Joann's. I just do my reading or hobbies under it for at least 20 mins a day.

Can't wait till spring! :)

What do you do to help keep yourself out of the slums of depression?

My Biggest Support

I wish I could give you all these great support groups and 

names of Dr.'s, therapist, friends and what not, 

but I can't even if I wanted to.

The only support group I used at the time when

I was at the worst was a group called N.A.M.I.

It's a group for All mental illnesses,

and though I'm sure they are helpful. For me

I left those meetings feeling more alone 

and scared than ever before.

I wish I had had the Internet back than

though actually at that time

I would have been too overwhelmed with

everything to be able to get on

and find the support groups and info. available

Even though I felt unworthy most of the time when 

I am struggling with my depression and my dark thoughts

my biggest support was/is my Savior Jesus Christ.

I still don't know how He did it.

Atoned for my pains, weaknesses, and sorrows,

but I don't have to know that.

I know however that He was there.

Those days and nights when I felt so incredibly alone.

When no one understood.

He did.

The days when I was at my worst,

He was there by my side, holding my hand helping me to

get out of that 'dangerous' place.

Sometimes I didn't even see that He was there,

but when I look back I've realized.

Trying my best to keep my Savior close

was what kept me alive,

what kept my boys safe.

Was my light in the horrible thick

emptiness and misery.

I am grateful that I am now looking into

support groups, Dr's, therapist all of that, before possibly trying again.

This time, if there is a this time

I will have a safety net. A Huge safety net!

The first one and the greatest of all will again be the Savior.

I know that I will NEED Him.

I NEED Him for everything.

Do You Know that I Love YOU!?

Is there anyone is your life that you Love, but aren't sure they know?

I do.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my two little boys. It's been 5 years now since I've got be in the same room with them. Everyday I grieve for the loss of my little ones. There is always a part of the grieving process that I go through that is the same. What PPD took from me! Now that I am doing well once again, not the 'normal' that I once knew before those dark days, but my new normal the hardship of not being able to be with and see my boys grow up is so much harder.
I am doing well enough now that I could be a mother to them like they deserve. Not perfect like I'd want of course, but there really finally THERE in the moment.
I finally have a husband who would want to be a part of Every part of their lives, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I would be able to enjoy all the precious moments.
I would be grateful to be experiencing the hard ones as well. Not because they are enjoyable in the moment but having that moment meant that I was their mommy again and that would be worth it all.
I would have someone to lean on a give me the support that I needed.
The boys would also have that love and support that they needed as well from a loving, gentle, caring father.

I was told by almost everyone I knew that I would regret the day that I gave my boys up for adoption, but I have to say that even though I am finally in a place where I feel I could finally be there for my boys I don't regret the decision.
I knew than and I still know now that getting my children out of the unstable, harmful situation that they were in was the best thing for them.
If I had let them stay with my ex husband and his family, the abuse that they would have had to endure would have broke my heart even more than knowing I can't seem them.
Don't think I haven't thought of....but if they were with my ex than maybe I'd still see them again. And now that I'm stable and have a good husband who would support me that maybe I could get full custody of them once more.
I believe that would have been FAR more damaging to my boys.
I am grateful to know, that they were in a safe place. I knew that they were loved and cared for by people that I trust and love.
I do regret however that the adoption is closed. Meaning that I am unable to contact them, and they me.
Granted as much as I want to hold them in my arms once more that is not the main reason why I regret that it is a closed adoption. I feel and believe that no communication at all is harder for my boys in the long run.
I know in my heart that they have questions that only I can answer.
There are misunderstanding that only I can clear up. Though I hope and trust that their adoptive parents are trying to help them see that I love them with all my heart and only want them to be happy and healthy, my boys I'm afraid will NEVER understand or come to grips with being adopted and having mommy sick until I am able to sit down with them and tell them myself that I LOVE them, that I still WANT them. That I wish everyday that I could still be THERE with them.
I may never have that chance until they are old enough to seek me out on their own. I pray that they will and that it wont be too late.

So if I went through the Exact same experience again, that is the one thing that I would change. A more open 'ending' so that there could be a closure to the hurt and questions and there wouldn't be time wasted on them believing that their mother didn't love them or want them.

I LOVE C!
and yes H I LOVE YOU TOO! (I only say it this way because I got sick after having H and I'm not sure, but I fear that he may think he is to blame in some way. I hope beyond hope that he does Not. Also, its taken me to get better to really be able to understand and feel the love that I do have for that little man. I do not regret having him. I know he is precious and that he is spreading love and happiness to everyone that he meets. He is as dear to me as C is, I just know him a little less is all.)

If you are able to....tell those whom you love that you love them and why. Life is too precious and short to not express such a powerful, beautiful feeling. It is a gift, share it.

For now this is the best that I can do for my little studmuffins.

This being said. I want my family and especially my little sis and her sweet husband to know how grateful I am for their love and support towards C and H. I am grateful they are loved and cared for by you. I know you are doing a Excellent Job! I am not writing this post to make you feel bad about having a closed adoption. I am just trying to be honest about how I feel. I understand that I am not with them and therefore do not know how they are doing or what fears and questions they may still have. I trust you and your judgement towards what is best for C and H and your family. I hope you know that. I love you all! Thank you for being there when I could not/cant!

My Story

D (my ex) and I decided that it was time to start trying to have a second child. I wanted them to be about two years apart...not to far and not too close.

After several months of trying the happy news arrived. I remember trying to think of a creative way to let everyone in my family know. I made C my oldest a new shirt that said 'Big Brother' across it, took a picture and sent it to everyone. Yes, I was excited. I became even more excited when I found out little H would be a boy. Yeah! I believe C and I did a happy dance in the living room when I told him. He of course didn't really understand what that really meant, but he enjoyed dancing with me and the loving attention I gave him.

Sigh...  I miss those days.

The day arrived. I gave birth with some minor difficulties, but it was long, Hard, and exhausting! I remember sometime during the pregnancy I felt hollow...I don't know how else to explain it. When they put H in my arms the first time the warm fuzzies, the joyful laugh/cry never came. I was numb, exhausted and a little shocked that I didn't seem to care that my baby was alive and breathing. I know that sounds horrible...but trust me it's only the beginning. :(
Some time later once H was checked out they gave him back to me for his first nursing session. I remember my very thought when I pressed his mouth to my breast. ' I could suffocate him with my breast', 'Wow! Wow! WHERE IN THE WORLD did THAT come from!!' I literally shook my head physically trying to get that odd, evil thought as far away from me as possible.

The next day before leaving the hospital to take H home I had my very first...in my life (at least that I can remember) uncontrollable bawl feast. I couldn't stop it. I had always been able to control my emotions in the past. I was taught throughout my WHOLE life that 'happy emotions' could be expressed but 'negative emotions' were not acceptable. (Maybe that's not how my parents meant for me to learn, but learn I did and I thought I had mastered it.) The tears just kept coming, I was crawled up on a chair, shaking, barely able to breath trying to keep up with the deep raw emotions that I had no idea where they came from or what triggered them.

The days and weeks are a blur to me now. I don't even remember how I got to the hospital the first time, but I was there. Ashamed and miserable, but also relieved that I didn't have to be around H. I was afraid of what I was feeling. The thoughts by that point had changed to feelings, desires, temptations. I was hallucinating frequently. I hated being around H but I feared or felt I would lose control if I wasn't. Being in the hospital made me feel weak. I felt so guilty for not wanting to be with my kids. What kind of mother thought this way, felt this way about her own children. I was so confused in my head. One minutes I would have moments of love towards C then I would see H and it was like I snapped.

My family though they meant well I'm sure didn't understand the first thing about PPD/A they had never dealt with anything remotely like it. I'm sure it was shocking for them to see my hollow eyes starring at nothing wondering where my mind was. My family was/is very much into the natural healing process. They didn't like that I was put on medications. I didn't like it either, it made me feel less of a person. I was beyond making rational decisions for myself and my family. I let my family tell me how to treat my illness. I went to the chiropractor, got acupuncture. Whatever they thought of I was there. They drove me it was the only way that I would get out of the house.

Fear drove me crazy, fear of the shadows, of my thoughts, my desires that weren't even my own. I knew somewhere down deep and very small was the real me. I just had to find it. I just didn't know how.

That first trip to the hospital was the first of Seven that year after H was born. All of which times I had to make it so that I was 'forced' to go. Either by my Dr's or my Bishop. I was in the hospital more than I was living in my apartment at that time.I had a councilor, but I didn't seem to be progressing. It was HORRIFIC!! I couldn't control my emotions, they were all over the place, from angry, to scared, to regretful, to hatred, to ashamed, to guilt. My thoughts bounced all over the place all of which were incredibly negative, self harming. I went from just wanting to harm myself and H to always wanting to harm C and my ex. I was completely engulf in this torments. I tried everything. Once I realized that the 'natural' wasn't working well enough I went to meds. At one point I believe I was on 8 medications at once. I was a walking zombie!

Finding a medication for me wasn't working. I felt like I had tried everything and still just kept sinking lower and lower into disparate suffocating hole. Finally as I last resort we even tried ECT treatments aka Electric Shock Treatments. I started at like 3 treatments a week, after several weeks. I went home from the hospital and went to 2 treatments ago,then down to 1. Feeling complete dispair I told my ex they weren't helping and they weren't. I went from being confused to having little knowledge. The treatments caused havoc with my memory. Short term memory gone. Still to this day I really struggle with it. My long term memory was greatly effected as well. I still have huge chunks of my past that is gone from my mind. I literally couldn't leave my house by myself. If I did...if I even went to the mailbox (which was in the middle of the parking lot of the townhouses we lived in) I couldn't remember which apartment was mine. I didn't know my address, my phone number. and like this I was supposed to be able to mother and teach a two year old and a new born.

Just before the year mark it seemed that I had run out of resources to help me with C and H. The church though they were kind and still loving could no longer take the boys when needed. My family had been burnt out as well. My ex's well they were abusive and there was NO WAY that I wasn't going to leave my boys with them ALONE EVER!! At least with all these horrible thoughts, dreams, temptations I at least didn't let that happen. Even though I was told I couldn't be alone with my kids 'Dr.'s orders' I found that I was. We were trying it out seeing if I could handle them for a week. A week, that only 7 days right. One day at a time. Well my 7:28 that first morning I was out of my 'coping' skills to calm down. H was teething and suffering. C was cranky. I'm sure from the stress of having mommy go crazy. I called my mom begging for help. She had some errands to run and then she would be by.

I don't know how much longer I lasted. I was holding H in my right arm and C in my left. We were all crying. The visions in my head were so detailed. So horrible. I felt so trapped. I couldn't get away from the images, the temptations to follow the thoughts and the voices. Out of desperation I dropped both C and H onto the floor at that moment afraid that if I didn't let them go I would do something I would really regret. It seemed almost as if time stood still for a moment. I looked at my boys quickly to see if they were okay. H just crawled in a ball crying all the harder, scared of me. C looked up at me. I had shocked him. The question and hurt in his eyes is something that I will never forget.

I ran. Ran from that living room to my closest neighbor. She didn't want to be a part of it, I knew that, but I knew that if I didn't get away from them now and get some control I would be on the news the next day. Mother killed her two innocent children and then herself. Tragic and awful. Something you only think happens in the movies or something, but this was my life. It was so real, so terrifyingly real! I was shaking so hard trying to control myself as I ran...ran away from hurting my babies. I was crying when she opened the door. I begged her to come take C and H until my mother came or my husband.

My neighbor thankfully scooped them up and took them to her house. I went back into my own house. Trying to get these emotions under control. I felt like peeling the skin off my very body I was so anxious. So distraught. I called my husband and tried to tell him what happened. He came home immediately, and as I was trying to tell him again had happened we heard a loud Bang at the door. There came into my house a complete stranger from DCFS demanding to know what had happened. I was completely honest. I was ashamed, but I knew that I hadn't hurt my boys, that I had gotten out so that they were safe. Regardless of that she took my babies anyways, I was not supposed to be alone with my kids and I and my family had not listened. It was 5 days until H had his first birthday. I was devastated I had ruined everything. I did my best and still my boys were leaving. It's so hard to try to explain the emotions of that day.

It was a nightmare!

C and H stayed in state housing for about a week. We went there to celebrate H's 1st birthday while a state worker sat and watched to make sure that I wasn't going to do anything. It was hard to enjoy the moment (not that, that wasn't challenging enough for me as it was.) That following week my parents to C and H into their home as foster parents. My ex and I was given a court date. The judges decision you have 6 month to be stable enough to care for your kids full time while on medications or you will be forced to give your kids up for adoption. WHAT!!! I did everything in my power to make sure they were still alive as safe with in the circumstances that I was in....but it wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough. Dr's didn't even know what to do with me any more. I felt like a hopeless case. I questioned why?

My parents had the kids for the next 6 months or so. I was only aloud to see the boys with supervision. I went every Saturday. I nice woman that worked for the state would pick me up and take me to my parents house. I was there for 2 hours. One of those hours was spent taking a parenting class. I hated and loved this time. I tried to learn anything and everything about how to be a better mom. From the first time I peed on this stick with the first I have had a book in my hand at night learning what to expect, and what to do if this happened. Nothing prepared me for the darkness that I was experiencing at this time.

There is one beautiful precious moment during this time while the kids were at my parents. One day when I arrived, for the first time that I can ever remember H ran towards me arms opened excited to see him. He knew me he recognized me and in that moment I felt his love me for.

How I wanted to get better for him and for C. I wanted so badly to be the 'normal' mother once again. The strict demands of the judge only seemed to cripple me more. My family became even more agree and upset about the situation. They called me a 'liar'. Said that 'I just didn't want to be a mom.' The hurt and stress that was I causing them must have been tremendous. I can see that now, but then it only added to the little voices and thoughts in my head. I didn't deserve to live. I was putting my kids, my family, my friends all through hell. They would be better off without me.

I fought this illness. I fought it hard a long. Thankfully there were moments when I knew what I had to do to keep them safe, to keep me safe. After much, thought, pray, and study. I decided to give the kids up for adoption. To give them a better life. It had already been a year and all my Dr's said that I should be well on my way to recover by now, it was only getting worse. I knew I couldn't be there like I wanted to be for my kids. I wasn't about to let my ex have them either, that would be just as bad. He would have moved in with his parents. A family full of abuse and destructive behaviors. My boys deserve something better. A happy life. A stable life. Thankfully with some help from the leaders in my church we convinced my ex that his first responsibility was with me.

The last day I got to see my children was incredibly difficult. I mean how to do you say goodbye to your children. The mixed emotions I was feeling during that time was annoying. I wanted to at least have one last good memory of my boys before I did, but I couldn't even control the voices and thought enough for that. C and H were really distracted that day. As I hugged H goodbye he couldn't wait to get out of my arms and start playing again. As I hugged C he noticed that I was crying as asked me 'why I was whining.' I didn't even have the time to ask him where he had learned that term. The state representative pulled me away and that was it.

That day in court when I had to say 'yes' to giving them up for adoption...oh my gosh I still can't talk about it.

I wish I could say that I only felt a great remorse and loss at that time when I gave up my boys for adoption, but I would be lying if I did. The relief was great. I could have these awful thoughts, feelings, and temptations, but I was not around my boys anymore and so they were safe. I had hoped that once they were out of my life the thought about them would just disappear, but they didn't do that either.

After the boys were gone I decided that I needed to make myself busy. So I got a Bishop referral to start working at the DI (Deseret Industries). I started almost immediately. I was able to fake if for I don't know half a day maybe and then I spent an hour in the bathroom crying and punching the wall because of the anxiety. Everything stupid little thing around me became a weapon in my mind. My mind wouldn't shut up! I couldn't get it to stop planning ways to off myself. I called for someone to pick me up and left work. I did however try again the next day and the next. Thankfully one of my bosses sat down and talked with me and I explained to torment that I was going through, the loss I had just been through and he was understanding. I will forever be grateful for that boss, for his willingness to work with me. I was an awful employee. Well I was great when I was working but if I had a break down or a trigger and was down for the count. Countless talking and even more missed days of works he still worked with me.

During that first year of working at the DI I tried to hurt myself twice. I was losing control of that small inner self that was willing me to do what I knew was right. Through it all I was on my meds. and going to therapy twice a week. My healing finally really began about a year and a half after having H. SLOWLY, but finally I was able to have good moments. I was able to seem a glimmer of hope. I had many bad days and then an okay day and it progressed from there. The thoughts about my boys finally almost disappeared. I started making plans for the future. Then I did something stupid. I decided to ween myself off my medications. I could do this. I didn't need them anymore. Plus my ex was complaining at least daily about the costs of be going to the dr. the meds, the therapy sessions. So I stopped thinking that I could handle it, and that way I wouldn't be putting him in more stress. I'd already done so much.

About 2 months later I was in deep once again. On Thanksgiving day I almost lost my battle. I almost let the temptation and the voices win. Almost, but I didn't. I pass the test that day. Thank heavens. I talked to my ex about needing to get back on my meds and he refused. Oh how I hated him at that time, did I mean nothing to him. Did he want me to die. I know that was my illness starting to freak out. Really he was just so tired of it all and didn't want to believe that the black wall of despair was back, but it was. I begged him for months, but he didn't budge and I was as bad as I ever was, even some of the thoughts of the boys came crashing back at me. In March I finally told him (my ex) that I was getting out. I had to, it was a life and death situation. I would die. I couldn't fight this alone on my own anymore and I knew it.

I put myself in the hospital soon after that. This time it was different. I didn't have my controlling abusive husband around calling the shots. I didn't even tell my family. Only my boss and two dear friends knew about it. Finally I was able to just let myself be taken care of. I knew what I was getting into I had been in the hospital 7 times before. I rested. I learned. I talked to my Dr. and my therapist and made plans for my future. Removing the damaging unhelpful people in my life. It was hard. I had already lost almost all my friends. My family, since my sis and bro in law took the kids and it was a closed adoption I couldn't be around when they were there....so I'd lost my family too even before I had the option to do so on my own.

I ended up in the hospital one more time. Again to rest and not worry about how I was going to cook the next meal. I needed to not worry about the basics so that I could actually rest and let myself accept the challenges I had been given. I left there finally feeling a little refreshed for the first time in over two years I had slept through the night. I had finally found something that worked. Praise heaven above I had found a combinations of meds that worked. I also started going to therapy again. The real healing began and the clouds cleared. I could see the sun on most days now. It was a joyous reunion.

I had H just over 6 years ago. In April of this year I will be celebrating life medication free for two years. I still have my ups and downs. Days when I don't see the sun so clearly, but I am not suicidal anymore and my love for my sweet C and H even though I don't get to see them seems to grow everyday. I still take supplements to help keep my mind and body in balance, and try to fit it exercise whenever possible because I know it makes me happy.

I survived. It was long and hard. I needed help. Thankfully I was able to get help.

Get help now don't wait. You are not alone! You CAN do this! One day at a time.

I am happy with the progress that I have made. When I'm having bad days and things just seem like too much I try to remember to look back and take notice to how far I've come.

Been Inspired

A few weeks ago Jake and I started talking about possibly having a child. We both want to so badly. (I'll get back to this at a later time.)

I admit I'm terrified of a repeat of PPD/A Psychosis.

I barely made it out alive last time.

Since that night, each day I have been spending hours of free time doing research about the possibilities of preventing a repeat. In doing all this research I began to happen upon dozens and dozens of blogs by courageous woman being willing to tell their story about PPD/A.

As I read their stories it brought tears, many tears. I finally felt that too some degree I have found some woman who can relate to what I have gone through. The guilt, tears, numbness, the inability to bond with their child, etc. etc. It was all there, and it gave me a chance to heal a little bit more. Though I've read dozens of heart wrenching stories none of them seemed to match my own intensity and I felt alone once again.

So I have decided to begin this blog and open up about the horrors of the psychotic part of PPD that I've seemed to miss so far in my research. If there are other woman out there trying to find support and hope from something so bleak and terrifying. I hope that they will find this blog and see that they are not alone. This is awful diseases. Seemingly unbearable, but there is a light that comes through the thick dark clouds. It doesn't last forever. I doubt I will ever be the same. My 'normal' now is much different than my 'norm' before getting sick, but I have found beauty in the little things once again.

As I open my heart, mind, and memories I hope that you will be kind.