On Hold...

I feel like a very big part of who I am supposed to be is on hold right now. My DH is having a hard time with the thought of us having a child. He hates change, and the fact that this change might be really hard on all of us he is REALLY DRAGGING HIS FEET. I know that he knows that this is the right thing for us to do, but he just really doesn't want to have to, right now.

Honestly there are times when I feel similar feelings as him. Life is really good for us right now. I absolutely LOVE having him all to myself. I love our time together and I am not ignorant on how that will change dramatically, even with a healthy baby and mommy. There are times when I have let the fear in and been grateful for his having us be on hold.

Then as I pray about my fears and worries I eventually come back to that same peaceful feeling. I swear I can already see my babies face. I already feel a love towards our future baby, and yet we aren't even starting to try yet. In fact right now is when we were planning on getting my professional team together so that we could start trying. That isn't happening.

Nothing is.

Well....I guess that's not true. I have been working really hard the last couple of month to get stronger and healthier. I am down about 6 lbs. Go me! My back is doing remarkable better, especially considering how much more active I have been the last couple of months with my part time job at the book store. Which I have loved by the way.

During this time of being on hold....or waiting I have decided to not only work on me physically which I have already started, but to work on my spiritual/emotional self as well. I bought a book this week from the book store it's called Becoming His. It's a book that is supposed to take a years journey into looking in depth of who I am and who I would like to become.

I am trying to make this most of this pause. I am sure it will only help me in the end, right. Whatever/whenever that maybe.

She Will Find What Is Lost

Today while at the Deseret Book store I saw this painting which hit me with such impact.

It reminded me of my experience with PPD/A.

 It was such a dark time for me.

I think anyone who as suffered from depression can relate to that dark, hopeless feeling.

Living life day to day. Feeling like I are going no where.

Lost in my hole of an existence.

At least it felt as such.

Remembering makes me want to physically shake off the unwanted memories.

Yet. I KNOW there were angels watching over me.

Protecting me from the illness I was trying to understand and overcome.

Keeping me alive. 

Reminding me to breathe.

If you are struggling finding hope and light.

I hope looking at this painting will help you find some comfort.

You Are LOVED! There is Always HOPE!

"She will find what is lost" by: Brian Kershisnik

I don't know Brian Kershisnik and probably never will have the privilege to, but I wanted to thank him publicly for this beautiful painting of hope. A reminder that we are loved and watched over no matter how lost and afraid we may feel. 

One day I plan to buy this painting. It will take hours of working for me to earn it, but it will be worth it.

(This is not a paid advertisement. I just love the message this painting gives.)