Tuesday, May 21, 2013
to C & H
There are so many things I wish I could say to my boys. Especially now as DH and I are planning and preparing to start to try to have another child. I wish that I could convince them of my love for them. I wish they knew how badly I wish that I could be a part of their lives right now. How I wish they weren't hurting or were confused about how come they can't see me. The list could go on and on. I LOVE! THEM! SO! MUCH!!!
I found this song today on youtube and it made me think of them. I love you C & H!!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Who HATES Mother's Day?!
I DO.
I remember as a little girl making/buying gifts, cards, or whatever for my mother. Singing to her at church and possibly even at home. It was great for me to remember/realize how much my mother really did for me. Honestly I must have been a very self centered child because rarely do I remember making such an effort to let her know I was grateful then on Mother's day.
Still today. As I think of Mother's day it gives me an excuse to treat my mother with something special. I enjoy being able to tell her I love you and thank her for her endless hours of service and care. I'm always amazed when I think about it, what an incredible job she really did. That part of Mother's day I LOVE because the mothers in my life truly are incredible woman and deserve to be appreciated. I am grateful for this part of the day.
When I was a new mother I loved it as well. I was prego with my first and the anticipation I felt and the love I had for my unborn child was a dream come true. I'd always wanted to be a mother and moving forward in the goal was an incredible feeling.
Now however.
Ugh!!
Mother's day is now taking my the loss of my two boys and shoving really hard in my face. No it's more like slamming in my face with a 2X4.Taking the dagger in my already infected heart and twisting it over and over again. I know it is unfair of me, but I envy all the mothers that are around me. Wishing that I was crying over the fact that I didn't feel like a good enough mother because Suzy over there is able to stay in shape, while home schooling her 7 kids, has all of her families year supply, cans and gardens every year, goes to all her kids endless events/games, and makes healthy yummy home cooked meals everyday, while keeping her house clean and adorable decorated as well. (You get the idea.) I have nothing to compare with. My boys are in someone elses arms this mothers day. They are making their adoptive mother little gifts made out of paper. They are telling her thank you and I love you. (I am glad that they love their new mother, and show her the love and respect she deserves. Their mother is amazing. )Not me.
Will I ever get the chance to have that experience. Probably not with them. Maybe one day if J and I are able to have children in the future. Even then, though I will have joy in being a mother. And I will love those children and do the best I can as their mother to protect, teach, and provide for them. Those kids will never replace my little boys. I will always wonder how they are and always wish to be with them.
So to all my friends and family out there who try to tell me to look to the future. Concentrate on the now, tell me that you completely understand, or what ever advice you feel will be what I need to hear. Please refrain. You don't understand. It hurts and right now I just need a shoulder to cry on not a lecture on how you think I should be feeling. Please just hold me and show me that you care.
I remember as a little girl making/buying gifts, cards, or whatever for my mother. Singing to her at church and possibly even at home. It was great for me to remember/realize how much my mother really did for me. Honestly I must have been a very self centered child because rarely do I remember making such an effort to let her know I was grateful then on Mother's day.
Still today. As I think of Mother's day it gives me an excuse to treat my mother with something special. I enjoy being able to tell her I love you and thank her for her endless hours of service and care. I'm always amazed when I think about it, what an incredible job she really did. That part of Mother's day I LOVE because the mothers in my life truly are incredible woman and deserve to be appreciated. I am grateful for this part of the day.
When I was a new mother I loved it as well. I was prego with my first and the anticipation I felt and the love I had for my unborn child was a dream come true. I'd always wanted to be a mother and moving forward in the goal was an incredible feeling.
Now however.
Ugh!!
Mother's day is now taking my the loss of my two boys and shoving really hard in my face. No it's more like slamming in my face with a 2X4.Taking the dagger in my already infected heart and twisting it over and over again. I know it is unfair of me, but I envy all the mothers that are around me. Wishing that I was crying over the fact that I didn't feel like a good enough mother because Suzy over there is able to stay in shape, while home schooling her 7 kids, has all of her families year supply, cans and gardens every year, goes to all her kids endless events/games, and makes healthy yummy home cooked meals everyday, while keeping her house clean and adorable decorated as well. (You get the idea.) I have nothing to compare with. My boys are in someone elses arms this mothers day. They are making their adoptive mother little gifts made out of paper. They are telling her thank you and I love you. (I am glad that they love their new mother, and show her the love and respect she deserves. Their mother is amazing. )Not me.
Will I ever get the chance to have that experience. Probably not with them. Maybe one day if J and I are able to have children in the future. Even then, though I will have joy in being a mother. And I will love those children and do the best I can as their mother to protect, teach, and provide for them. Those kids will never replace my little boys. I will always wonder how they are and always wish to be with them.
So to all my friends and family out there who try to tell me to look to the future. Concentrate on the now, tell me that you completely understand, or what ever advice you feel will be what I need to hear. Please refrain. You don't understand. It hurts and right now I just need a shoulder to cry on not a lecture on how you think I should be feeling. Please just hold me and show me that you care.
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