After a LONG, UGLY Week

After the tramatic week with my family.

I have needed time to recoop.

Yesterday Jake and I went to his parents for a yummy random turkey dinner. We ate and played a few games. Jake and I even went out on the tramp and watched the clouds for a few minutes drinking in the sun.

Today I took a napwith the window open. (Usually I don't like taking naps because I can't seem come night and I always seem to have bad dreams) but today it was just refreshing. I needed it.

I talked to my older brother today. He was kind and gave words of wisdom. I expected nothing less from him. He's amazing! That's why we call him 'John the Beloved' in our family. It brought more tears as we talked about the UGLY things said and done that happened last week. It is frustrating that this can't be a happy time for us. Especially for Jake and his family because they had nothing to do with my past and the UGLINESS that showed it's face this week. I am grateful for my brother. Living so far away and still taking the time to show he loves me, is nervous to support me in this, but being kind about it.

Gives me a little hope that in time, maybe just maybe things with my family will calm down again.

Maybe.

Until then I am choosing to take care of myself right now. I can't let their negative, hurtful input drag me down.

So I will continue to cry and mourn the loss of my sister, and the support of my other siblings.

I will also take time to treat myself to 'me time' like taking a nap once in awhile.

I will continue to research and prepare for this new adventure and challenge of having a child with my wonderful supportive spouse.

When I do get pregnant I am determined to make it special for Jake and I. This will be something to celebrate. Yes we need to prepare for the worst, but we will definitely be hoping for the best.

Family Drama

After a LOT of thought, prayer, fasting the decision has been made.

Jake and I are going to try to have a baby.

As we are in the process of finding a professional team together to support us in this journey as a precaution for a repeat of PPD/A we decided it was time to tell my family.

Telling my family was something that I was dreading doing from the beginning of trying to decide if trying to have a child was the right thing for us.

Well this week I wrote them an email and forwarded it to everyone in my family. I knew that it wouldn't be pretty or fun, but this has become incredibly UGLY. It seems to brought all the pain from the past PPD/A experience crashing down again on my family.

I understand their concern and fears. I do. I totally understand that. However, I am frustrated with them being so mean and vindictive in their response. They seem to refuse to hear me out. They think I'm being manipulative and selfish. It's hurtful and so hard.

My oldest sister has now told me she wants NOTHING to do with me and my life now. I fear she is the first. :(

I HATE this!!

I am trying to be open and forgiving about all of this.

I am grateful Jake encouraged me to talk to them about this now and not wait until I was prego. Dealing with all of this while feeling sick and dealing with all the hormone changes wouldn't have been fun and could have triggered the PPD/A to show up earlier than it did even with my last.

I KNOW Jake and I are making the right decision for us. I KNOW that. I don't know how this pregnancy and post pregnancy will go, but I have faith and the comfort of knowing that I'm making the right decision regardless of what my family thinks.
 

It's HARD. This makes it HARDER, but not impossible.

Hoping with time, my family will come around. If not. I will continue to grieve for my loss, our loss, and our babies loss. But I am grateful for the family they will have in their lives. Jake's family who thankfully fully support our decision. We are blessed. 

If you want me to Lyrics ~ By Ginny Owens

Today was the first time I heard this song. And I LOVED it. It perfectly describes how I am feeling right now. The road to having a child may really be super rocky and at times I may feel incredibly alone. Like I did after H, but this is my new theme song. I will listen to it as the anxiety and fears increase about the unknowns of the future. A great reminder to me that I am NOT ALONE, and neither are you.

www.http://youtu.be/OuElxkQsMk4

I Want My Mommy!

I'm sick. Again.

Whenever I get sick I always get a little homesick as well.
I guess homesick is the wrong word, really I just want my mom.

I feel like crap. I know I should eat something.
I know I should be drinking fluids like crazy.
Etc. Etc.
but my whole body aches, my head is pounding, and I fear that if I move I wont be able to keep what I do have in my stomach down.

If my mother was here she would lay me back down.
Make me some chicken noodle soup.
Bring me herbal tea and lots of water.
Make sure I was warm and comfortable.
Tell me she loved me.

Moms are wonderful like that. Even though my relationship with my mother is maybe a few texts once a month. She has the knowledge, patience, and love to help me feel better.

Am I the only one that just wants to be cared for like a little kid when sick?