This week I got to spend a couple of days babysitting my cute niece K who is 5 and smart as a whistle and my adorable nephew C(2) of whom reminds me so much of my little H. At least the H I can remember and dream about. I knew the two days, 14 hours of babysitting was going to be a challenge for me. I went into this thinking okay, lets see how prepared I am to be able to handle having to take care of kids for that long on my own. It was by far the longest I've been asked to take care of kids since losing my boys over 6 years ago. I was nervous but I wanted to prove to myself that I could not only do it physically and emotionally, but that I would be successful and that next time K and C were told that I would be babysitting them they would be excited because I'm the 'fun' Aunt.
So I may have put more pressure on myself than I should have, but I want to be a good mom. I wanted to prove to myself that I couldn't only do it, but find joy in it. Finding the joy was the most important part for me, because in my last days of being a mother to C and H I was having a hard time living in the moment. Enjoying their giggles, babble, endless chatter, and need for attention. Of course now that I'm doing so much better I wish beyond belief that I could have those things back....well all of it back, but you know what I mean.
Some of the things that I tried with K and C didn't work out. I admit that in the moment when K and C wasn't impressed or even willing to try these activities that I thought put time and effort into creating was not only frustrating but disheartening. I was failing...already! I physically shook my head telling myself to take a deep breath and just try something else. And I did. We finger painted, we played on the swings and jumped on the trampoline. I even let K pick out a movie while I held C to try to get him to take a nap( mommy forgot his playpen for nap time) K was thrilled and eventually C fell in my arms.The first 7 hours (1st day) wasn't perfect, but I was able to enjoy most of it.
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| One of those sweet moments I was able to enjoy! Success! Day 2 was a great in some ways harder in others. My DH was around in the morning. Which was awesome! I was able to shower and peace and gets some dishes done without having to worry about what the kiddos were doing. DH and I are going to make a great pair. DH even took K and C outside to play. While they were out having fun. The tears came. They weren't the same kind of tears that dropped when I was sick trying to care for two children. They were tears of loss of my two beautiful boys.( Little C is just learning how to talk. He doesn't know my name and so he calls me 'moma'. It is bitter sweet to hear. I don't remember H ever calling me mommy.) They were tears of hope and gratitude. I was doing it. I can do it. Even though it brought back memories which I'm sure being a mother again will do. I am hoping that I will be able to enjoy the moments all the more because I will be having another chance instead of the opposite. After DH left for work we had some more fun. We prepared a marshmallow fight for when their mom, grandma and aunt A came back from work. K was so so excited. It was fun. While we waited for the 'm war' I taught K and C sign language. Which K drinks in it like a sponge, I think she loves it so much because it helps her to communicate with C. She's a great Big Sister. :) C is really starting to sign a lot more, which is also getting him to talk more as well. It was so fun to teach sign. Something that I love to do. |
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| Waiting for Mom, Gma, and Aunt to come through the door. |
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| K and C signs they made to let their Mom. G-ma, and Aunt know what was coming. Which we put on the front door with their bags of mallos. |
I wish I would have gotten pictures of the fun fight. It was a blast!
The last two days was hard and so much fun.
It has taught me two important things.
1. I can have fun with kids and enjoy it without having intrusive thoughts or 'bad thoughts'. Maybe this was obvious. I mean I've never had any issues with other peoples kids, but I feared that since my nephew reminded me of my H that maybe I would have old 'bad' triggers. That didn't happen. Yeah!!
2. This future pregnancy and child while be emotional for me because it will remind me of the deep losses I have inside of me that maybe I haven't fully dealt with or may ever fully get over. That feeling those emotions will be normal, but that, those emotions are now separate from the ppd/ppa feelings.
I have made one more step towards being ready for being a mom again.
Yes, it was small, but small steps forward will still get me to the finish line.
