Okay so technically I don't think the day is even. I am grateful for the mother's in the world today who do so much to try and raise their children to the best that they know how. It is a day to remember the great things that your mother and those around you influenced your life. At least I do... I love the mother's in my life. The one who gave me birth. She is a rock, strong and true. She is devoted to her faith and teaching (she is a high school history teacher) maybe if I had, had her in High School I would have liked/ learned something of value in my history class. She is tough as nails. Stubborn as an ox. Devoted to her family. She graduated from college with her degree, put her career on hold for over 25 years so that she could care for her family. 7 children she had. What a Remarkable accomplishment! Once the youngest was in school, she went back to school and began teaching several years later. She is amazing! She is strong! and have I mentioned that I love and honor her with my whole heart.
My MIL is the best! I have only been in the Seward family for almost a couple of years now. She immediately welcomed me into her home and made me feel like one of her own. She cares for me. Watches out for me. Listens to me and feeds me any chance she gets. She was the super mom who had 5 kids in 6 years. She home taught all of her children and they lived a half hour away from any
real grocery store, movie theater, or entertainment anything. She drove her kids to seminary every morning. A 20 minute drive (I think) at 6 am, then picked them up again afterwards (remember they were home schooled). All her children are so smart, funny, and incredible at whatever they have chosen to do. All because of her incredibly warm, loving, personality. Jake frequently comments that he married his mother. Jokingly usually...something like I always have to go to the bathroom before I go any where and I always have snacks in my purse, just in case. Something that she does. He doesn't realize how much I appreciate that comment...I don't think....I truly want to be like my MIL is so many ways.
My sisters in SIL are amazing! Every time I am around them. No matter what they seem to be doing. Changing diapers, reading with kids, teaching a lesson in primary, learning a new language, etc. etc. The things my sisters do as mothers and as women are truly incredible. My oldest sister C just got her masters degree. Awesome! One day I hope to just graduate from college. She inspires me! All my sisters do.
Even though on mother's day I try my hardest to concentrate on the good woman who have/ do inspire me I still get sick inside. How I miss my little C and H! How I wish I got to lesson to them sing 'Mother I love you mother I do....' to me. I'm grateful that sing it to my sister L because she deserves it, but man I wish that I could have them in my life too. Seeing them for the first time in over six years just over a month ago was incredible. I wouldn't change in for the world. My ache for them has increased a million times over this year. I soaked my pillow with tears missing my little boys and wanting a hug and an I love you mom! I know I'll never hear those words put together in a sentence. Not from them. They call me by my name and L is Mom. Which makes perfect sense, thats how it should be of course. So that they aren't confused, but man I miss it!!
I have been dreading writing and even talking about it. Why because I know that the words that I say don't even begin to skim the intense feelings that I feel for my boys. The loss that I feel everyday for their little bodies to be in my arms again. For me to be their mother. I have lost that forever. To them I will never be their mother, just a birth mom. A birth mom. How I HATE that term and how it makes me feel...almost less than human.
I feel so torn now between my boys and what the future holds for DH and I's future family. DH is now so excited. We had my IUD removed the end of last month. DH is excited thinking that a little girl or boy could be growing in side of me right now. For me, right now. I know that us having a child is the right thing for us to do. I know that, but right now I'm not looking forward to it. I'm trying to...at least sometimes. Looking and baby stuff, trying to plan, but right now I'm mostly morning the loss of my boys and praying and praying that us having a family will not make things harder for my boys. I know the Lord is aware of us and of them. I know he knows us and cares for us both. I am praying for that they will be comforted. They they will find joy in it and not feel confused and hurt. I am praying and praying. Can my prayers really change how they react and feel? I don't know. They always have their free agency, but it gives me hope and right now that is all I have.
Mother's day how I Hate it! Will that ever change? Even when I have a child in my arms again, that I can call my own. They will call me mommy and will sing to me that they love me.... I know I will find joy in that blessing. I know it, but I also know that it will not change the loss that I now have and will forever have.
Another hope in all of this. My awful story of loss and pain. I hope that when I am able to have that little child in my arms and I am able to cope and function and love that child. That all those who know my story of PPD/A. That no how bad is was for me. Saw what I had lost and then can see what I have gained can find hope in their own struggle in their own story of heartache and change. I know most women hate to hear my story. My story is almost as bad as it can get. Losing your children having to give them up for adoption. Only one thing is worse then that, they have said and that is giving into the the awful voices/thoughts in your head, the PPD/A that is speaking to you haunting you. The only thing worse is actually acting on them. I am forever grateful that I didn't fall into that category. The Lord sustained me and I am now free of those awful voices/thoughts. When I have this child and any others that may or may not come afterwards and I can share with these woman that I survived and coped even after something so terrible as all that I have endured. As my children and family have endured, that there is hope in a better tomorrow. Instead of fear in hearing my story like they do now....I truly hope it will give them to strength them, encourage them, help them look towards that better tomorrow.
Mother's day is over. I choose to move past it. At least in this moment. I have a better future to look forward to. There is joy there and I'm going to find it. Praying as always that my boys may find that joy as well.
