Is there anyone is your life that you Love, but aren't sure they know?
I do.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my two little boys. It's been 5 years now since I've got be in the same room with them. Everyday I grieve for the loss of my little ones. There is always a part of the grieving process that I go through that is the same. What PPD took from me! Now that I am doing well once again, not the 'normal' that I once knew before those dark days, but my new normal the hardship of not being able to be with and see my boys grow up is so much harder.
I am doing well enough now that I could be a mother to them like they deserve. Not perfect like I'd want of course, but there really finally THERE in the moment.
I finally have a husband who would want to be a part of Every part of their lives, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I would be able to enjoy all the precious moments.
I would be grateful to be experiencing the hard ones as well. Not because they are enjoyable in the moment but having that moment meant that I was their mommy again and that would be worth it all.
I would have someone to lean on a give me the support that I needed.
The boys would also have that love and support that they needed as well from a loving, gentle, caring father.
I was told by almost everyone I knew that I would regret the day that I gave my boys up for adoption, but I have to say that even though I am finally in a place where I feel I could finally be there for my boys I don't regret the decision.
I knew than and I still know now that getting my children out of the unstable, harmful situation that they were in was the best thing for them.
If I had let them stay with my ex husband and his family, the abuse that they would have had to endure would have broke my heart even more than knowing I can't seem them.
Don't think I haven't thought of....but if they were with my ex than maybe I'd still see them again. And now that I'm stable and have a good husband who would support me that maybe I could get full custody of them once more.
I believe that would have been FAR more damaging to my boys.
I am grateful to know, that they were in a safe place. I knew that they were loved and cared for by people that I trust and love.
I do regret however that the adoption is closed. Meaning that I am unable to contact them, and they me.
Granted as much as I want to hold them in my arms once more that is not the main reason why I regret that it is a closed adoption. I feel and believe that no communication at all is harder for my boys in the long run.
I know in my heart that they have questions that only I can answer.
There are misunderstanding that only I can clear up. Though I hope and trust that their adoptive parents are trying to help them see that I love them with all my heart and only want them to be happy and healthy, my boys I'm afraid will NEVER understand or come to grips with being adopted and having mommy sick until I am able to sit down with them and tell them myself that I LOVE them, that I still WANT them. That I wish everyday that I could still be THERE with them.
I may never have that chance until they are old enough to seek me out on their own. I pray that they will and that it wont be too late.
So if I went through the Exact same experience again, that is the one thing that I would change. A more open 'ending' so that there could be a closure to the hurt and questions and there wouldn't be time wasted on them believing that their mother didn't love them or want them.
I LOVE C!
and yes H I LOVE YOU TOO! (I only say it this way because I got sick after having H and I'm not sure, but I fear that he may think he is to blame in some way. I hope beyond hope that he does Not. Also, its taken me to get better to really be able to understand and feel the love that I do have for that little man. I do not regret having him. I know he is precious and that he is spreading love and happiness to everyone that he meets. He is as dear to me as C is, I just know him a little less is all.)
If you are able to....tell those whom you love that you love them and why. Life is too precious and short to not express such a powerful, beautiful feeling. It is a gift, share it.
For now this is the best that I can do for my little studmuffins.
This being said. I want my family and especially my little sis and her sweet husband to know how grateful I am for their love and support towards C and H. I am grateful they are loved and cared for by you. I know you are doing a Excellent Job! I am not writing this post to make you feel bad about having a closed adoption. I am just trying to be honest about how I feel. I understand that I am not with them and therefore do not know how they are doing or what fears and questions they may still have. I trust you and your judgement towards what is best for C and H and your family. I hope you know that. I love you all! Thank you for being there when I could not/cant!
I do.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my two little boys. It's been 5 years now since I've got be in the same room with them. Everyday I grieve for the loss of my little ones. There is always a part of the grieving process that I go through that is the same. What PPD took from me! Now that I am doing well once again, not the 'normal' that I once knew before those dark days, but my new normal the hardship of not being able to be with and see my boys grow up is so much harder.
I am doing well enough now that I could be a mother to them like they deserve. Not perfect like I'd want of course, but there really finally THERE in the moment.
I finally have a husband who would want to be a part of Every part of their lives, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I would be able to enjoy all the precious moments.
I would be grateful to be experiencing the hard ones as well. Not because they are enjoyable in the moment but having that moment meant that I was their mommy again and that would be worth it all.
I would have someone to lean on a give me the support that I needed.
The boys would also have that love and support that they needed as well from a loving, gentle, caring father.
I was told by almost everyone I knew that I would regret the day that I gave my boys up for adoption, but I have to say that even though I am finally in a place where I feel I could finally be there for my boys I don't regret the decision.
I knew than and I still know now that getting my children out of the unstable, harmful situation that they were in was the best thing for them.
If I had let them stay with my ex husband and his family, the abuse that they would have had to endure would have broke my heart even more than knowing I can't seem them.
Don't think I haven't thought of....but if they were with my ex than maybe I'd still see them again. And now that I'm stable and have a good husband who would support me that maybe I could get full custody of them once more.
I believe that would have been FAR more damaging to my boys.
I am grateful to know, that they were in a safe place. I knew that they were loved and cared for by people that I trust and love.
I do regret however that the adoption is closed. Meaning that I am unable to contact them, and they me.
Granted as much as I want to hold them in my arms once more that is not the main reason why I regret that it is a closed adoption. I feel and believe that no communication at all is harder for my boys in the long run.
I know in my heart that they have questions that only I can answer.
There are misunderstanding that only I can clear up. Though I hope and trust that their adoptive parents are trying to help them see that I love them with all my heart and only want them to be happy and healthy, my boys I'm afraid will NEVER understand or come to grips with being adopted and having mommy sick until I am able to sit down with them and tell them myself that I LOVE them, that I still WANT them. That I wish everyday that I could still be THERE with them.
I may never have that chance until they are old enough to seek me out on their own. I pray that they will and that it wont be too late.
So if I went through the Exact same experience again, that is the one thing that I would change. A more open 'ending' so that there could be a closure to the hurt and questions and there wouldn't be time wasted on them believing that their mother didn't love them or want them.
I LOVE C!
and yes H I LOVE YOU TOO! (I only say it this way because I got sick after having H and I'm not sure, but I fear that he may think he is to blame in some way. I hope beyond hope that he does Not. Also, its taken me to get better to really be able to understand and feel the love that I do have for that little man. I do not regret having him. I know he is precious and that he is spreading love and happiness to everyone that he meets. He is as dear to me as C is, I just know him a little less is all.)
If you are able to....tell those whom you love that you love them and why. Life is too precious and short to not express such a powerful, beautiful feeling. It is a gift, share it.
For now this is the best that I can do for my little studmuffins.
This being said. I want my family and especially my little sis and her sweet husband to know how grateful I am for their love and support towards C and H. I am grateful they are loved and cared for by you. I know you are doing a Excellent Job! I am not writing this post to make you feel bad about having a closed adoption. I am just trying to be honest about how I feel. I understand that I am not with them and therefore do not know how they are doing or what fears and questions they may still have. I trust you and your judgement towards what is best for C and H and your family. I hope you know that. I love you all! Thank you for being there when I could not/cant!
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