Out of Darkness Walk

I did it.

I walked.

I wasn't sure I would be able to, given my bad back.

But I just had to.

It's been an emotional week for me. It being 'shark week' didn't help. As I was thinking about this walk and remembering the ugly, the lose, and the heartache....well it just made me incredibly sad. I read other bloggers stories, they inspire me and give me hope, but sometimes...some days I envy them. I wish that my story had ended more like theirs. I wish that I still had my little boys that I could tuck into bed each night. I wish that I could finally be one of those moms who found mostly joy in being a mom.

My journey was different. My losses deep.

As I thought of the many woman struggling right now. Knowing what it is like to not be able to find joy in the little things. I prayed. I prayed for them. I pray that they find the strength to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I pray they don't give up. I pray they are able to feel those moments of joy in being a mother one day soon.

As I walked this evening with my husband. I thought of those darkest days. The ones I didn't know if I'd make it through. Where there was just reminding myself to breath....in and out, in and out.

I thought of you and again prayed for you.

As I prayed I began to look around and realize all the beauties around me. The small things. The things I would have never been able to notice while I was sick.

In the middle (look closely) the swan you can see his reflection.

Tualitin River refection

DHubby

Two deer. Can you see them?!

The smell of the wet dirt, grass, trees.

Hearing the birds chirping. The splash in the river when a fish jumped and watching the rippling effect it caused in the water.

I could feel the warm sun kiss the skin on my face. The soft breeze tickling the hairs of my arm.

I could see the beautiful daises, and wild flowers. The otter swimming in the river, the bluish grey swan looking for dinner, the mother eagle sitting on top of her nest watching her little one. I imagine her encouraging and instructing her young one on how to fly as it was standing at the edge of the nest looking around trying to find the courage to spread its winds and fly.

My journey was painful and I have losses like everyone who experiences PPD/A but I have grown. I am stronger now. I am once again able to find peace and happiness in my everyday life. I am blessed.

I believe in the cause. I believe that knowledge is power. There is hope. There is Always Hope.