It's been just over 11 weeks now that I had my sunshine. In some ways it seems like that has been forever (during labor I was injured, symphysis pubis separation, I have been in a lot of physical pain and walking around as best I can with a walker.) When it comes to looking at my sunshine I can't believe that she is almost 3 months old already. What a joy she is!!
After the dramatic birth of sunshine. 13 hours of labor, with sunshine very stressed out heart rate kept dropping it all ended in the operating room. I had a c-section. Not what I wanted let alone planned, but thankfully our sunshine arrived safely. I ended up staying in the hospital for 6 days while the Dr's and nurses tried to figure out what was wrong and how to help control some of the pain.
Regardless of the physical drama I am thankful to say that emotionally I have been doing incredibly well. Yes it's true! It's a miracle! I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for healing me and letting me enjoy my sweet sunshine as I imagined it could be. I hold her and there is peace and love that swells through me. There is no confusing feelings or unwelcome thoughts and fears.
That is not to say that I have not felt the loss of my boys as I hold my little girl in my arms. I still ache for them I always will. Wishing that things were different, but reminding myself that they are in a good place and that I am grateful for that at least. I do know know if my sunshine will every know her brothers on a personal level, but she will know them from me.
With Mother's day coming up this Sunday the tears of my losses come in buckets. It has become of day of memories, and what if's, desperately aching for things to change and be better.
It STILL is.
But, this year. The first time in 8 long years, I have something to be grateful for. My little sunshine, I am well and I am her mommy and that is an incredible gift!
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| DH with sunshine |
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| about a week old |
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| ahhh! baby feet. (the only time feet are cute) |
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