My heart strings have been pulled so tight ever since getting to see my handsome boys 2 months ago. In some ways it feels like a dream still, and yet as I close my eyes I can see their young bright smiles. How I miss them! How I ache for them! How I worry for them! My prayers always directed to their home in UT.
What a blessing it was to see them. To see them healthy and happy. I am so grateful for the opportunity to see them, to get to know them a little bit.
At the same time it has made me miss them all the more. The wounds have been ripped opened.
I have been trying my best to function, cope, and yet move forward.
I know now that I will never be considered a mother to my sweet boys even though I still feel like I am their mother. Mom to them will forever be directed towards my selfless loving sister. Many times I have ached to be in her shoes, but as I heard them refer to her as mom I forced a smile to block the tears that suddenly wanted to fall. I couldn't let them escape. I was determined to enjoy every moment with my little ones. And I did. I relished it. I continue to play it over and over again in my head and heart. Holding onto every memory. Every feeling. Every laughter and smile that came from their mouths to my eyes and ears.
Maybe since I felt I had to hold strong to the heartache erupting inside of me when I saw them walk through my parents front door and those few hours is why I haven't been able to let myself truly wet my face with the deep loss that I felt and feel until now.
Today I was planning to go on another hike. I have been hiking alone lately. ( I will write more about my experiences in a later post). Instead of the hike, instead of doing the dishes, the laundry, and getting a swim in or something for that matter. I have sat in bed listening to touching music and letting the tears finally fall. It's been heartbreaking and healing.
Days like today I wonder why this all happened. Did I deserve to get sick? Did I deserve to lose my boys? Did I deserve all the harsh judgments? The lost friends and family members?
What was I to learn from this? Am I in anyway better now that I've healed? Am I making any difference in my life now? Am I helping those who struggle today with the scary dark cloud that covers so many beautiful woman out there? What can I do differently? How can I make losing everything a positive thing at least for those that I am around?
Of course I didn't deserve it. No one does! Did it happen to me? Yes. Did it impact my life? Yes! Will I ever be C and H's mother to them...maybe never. I hope one day to be a friend, mentor, confidant....who knows maybe one day I will be able to help them in ways that I never could if I was still their 'mother'. Our God, our great God whom I call my loving gracious Heavenly Father has a plan. He knows me and He knows my boys. He will make everything okay, and He can make things even better then I can imagine if I just let Him.
The judgments and loss of friends and family still hurt when I think about those days. If I have learned one thing in all of this it is to not be so quick to judge. Even a mother who looks like she has it all. Looks completely put together and doesn't have a challenge in the world, behind closed doors it is Always a different story. My compassion for people, mothers especially has grown in a way that probably never would have happened had I not had my own personal turmoil with PPD/A. My compassion for couples who are unable to have children. People who have never married though it has always been their dream. Any one persons dream to do something whatever it maybe. My love for those around me has grown so much. For that I am grateful.
The friends I have lost...well it will never be easy to look back upon, but I have gained new friends. Some I may never have met had I not gone through such a challenging time in my life. With my family....things are still strained. Some very strained, but I still love them. I also hope that maybe there is a part in their heart for me as well. Until that day when they realize I wasn't making things up. That I was doing the best that I could. That I was listening and trying my best to be the mom that I SO DESIRED TO BE!!! One day I hope that things will be better. One day.
I don't know that I am making much of an impact on anyone. Right now, I have gotten the impression that many mothers don't want to hear my story, or talk to me about what happened. I believe most of that is because of fear and triggers. My story so far doesn't sound like a happily ever after that we all like to hear, me included in that. (Could be wrong of course.) I can sympathize with that though. I know that while I was sick I couldn't deal with such harsh realities. I couldn't watch the news. I would stay inside to protect myself from the 'worlds' harshness and judgments at times. One day I hope that all those who read my story find hope and strength to keep moving forward. I know that losing my boys, and a valued relationship with my family looks awful. It was awful, but I'm more than that!
My story didn't end when I lost my boys. My story didn't end when I got a divorce. My story didn't end when I moved away from my family so that I wouldn't have to feel to left out and 'black sheepish'. My story hasn't ended yet and neither has yours. I pray no one has to loss as much as I have lost in this illness. The lose is incredible deep and days like today I let myself really feel it, but my life is good. It's not how I pictured it, but I have chosen to accept what was and what is and move forward to the best of my ability. Some may never understand or want to understand....some may really be sick of my ramblings and give up on me. That's okay. I am inviting you to find hope, because even though I literally lost everything I am making something of my life. I am finding happiness even with my heart still hurting. There is a future for me. Just like their is a future for you. Whatever I/you are struggling with today, may not be gone tomorrow, in a week, or in years. I try not to over think it... one day at a time. I can do this one day at a time. It's not so overwhelming that way. It's more doable. I can find hope in the tomorrows that way.
Today I let the tears fall, for I have much to grieve, and I accept that.However tomorrow is a new day.
To better tomorrows.
PS. However hard it has been and will be. I can't WAIT to see my boys again! I won't stop hoping that I will get that chance again.
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