What Babysitting Taught Me

This week I got to spend a couple of days babysitting my cute niece K who is 5 and smart as a whistle and my adorable nephew C(2) of whom reminds me so much of my little H. At least the H I can remember and dream about. I knew the two days, 14 hours of babysitting was going to be a challenge for me. I went into this thinking okay, lets see how prepared I am to be able to handle having to take care of kids for that long on my own. It was by far the longest I've been asked to take care of kids since losing my boys over 6 years ago. I was nervous but I wanted to prove to myself that I could not only do it physically and emotionally, but that I would be successful and that next time K and C were told that I would be babysitting them they would be excited because I'm the 'fun' Aunt. 

So I may have put more pressure on myself than I should have, but I want to be a good mom. I wanted to prove to myself that I couldn't only do it, but find joy in it. Finding the joy was the most important part for me, because in my last days of being a mother to C and H I was having a hard time living in the moment. Enjoying their giggles, babble, endless chatter, and need for attention. Of course now that I'm doing so much better I wish beyond belief that I could have those things back....well all of it back, but you know what I mean. 

Some of the things that I tried with K and C didn't work out.  I admit that in the moment when K and C wasn't impressed or even willing to try these activities that I thought put time and effort into creating was not only frustrating but disheartening. I was failing...already! I physically shook my head telling myself to take a deep breath and just try something else. And I did. We finger painted, we played on the swings and jumped on the trampoline. I even let K pick out a movie while I held C to try to get him to take a nap( mommy forgot his playpen for nap time) K was thrilled and eventually C fell in my arms.The first 7 hours (1st day) wasn't perfect, but I was able to enjoy most of it. 

One of those sweet moments I was able to enjoy! Success!

Day 2 was a great in some ways harder in others. My DH was around in the morning. Which was awesome! I was able to shower and peace and gets some dishes done without having to worry about what the kiddos were doing. DH and I are going to make a great pair. DH even took K and C outside to play.

While they were out having fun. The tears came. They weren't the same kind of tears that dropped when I was sick trying to care for two children. They were tears of loss of my two beautiful boys.( Little C is just learning how to talk. He doesn't know my name and so he calls me 'moma'. It is bitter sweet to hear. I don't remember H ever calling me mommy.) They were tears of hope and gratitude. I was doing it. I can do it. Even though it brought back memories which I'm sure being a mother again will do. I am hoping that I will be able to enjoy the moments all the more because I will be having another chance instead of the opposite.

After DH left for work we had some more fun. We prepared a marshmallow fight for when their mom, grandma and aunt A came back from work. K was so so excited. It was fun. While we waited for the 'm war' I taught K and C sign language. Which K drinks in it like a sponge, I think she loves it so much because it helps her to communicate with C. She's a great Big Sister. :) C is really starting to sign a lot more, which is also getting him to talk more as well. It was so fun to teach sign. Something that I love to do. 

Waiting for Mom, Gma, and Aunt to come through the door.

K and C signs they made to let their Mom. G-ma, and Aunt know what was coming. Which we put on the front door with their bags of mallos.

I wish I would have gotten pictures of the fun fight. It was a blast!

The last two days was hard and so much fun. 

It has taught me two important things. 

1. I can have fun with kids and enjoy it without having intrusive thoughts or 'bad thoughts'. Maybe this was obvious. I mean I've never had any issues with other peoples kids, but I feared that since my nephew reminded me of my H that maybe I would have old 'bad' triggers. That didn't happen. Yeah!!

2. This future pregnancy and child while be emotional for me because it will remind me of the deep losses I have inside of me that maybe I haven't fully dealt with or may ever fully get over. That feeling those emotions will be normal, but that, those emotions are now separate from the ppd/ppa feelings.

I have made one more step towards being ready for being a mom again.

Yes, it was small, but small steps forward will still get me to the finish line.

Out of Darkness Walk

I did it.

I walked.

I wasn't sure I would be able to, given my bad back.

But I just had to.

It's been an emotional week for me. It being 'shark week' didn't help. As I was thinking about this walk and remembering the ugly, the lose, and the heartache....well it just made me incredibly sad. I read other bloggers stories, they inspire me and give me hope, but sometimes...some days I envy them. I wish that my story had ended more like theirs. I wish that I still had my little boys that I could tuck into bed each night. I wish that I could finally be one of those moms who found mostly joy in being a mom.

My journey was different. My losses deep.

As I thought of the many woman struggling right now. Knowing what it is like to not be able to find joy in the little things. I prayed. I prayed for them. I pray that they find the strength to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I pray they don't give up. I pray they are able to feel those moments of joy in being a mother one day soon.

As I walked this evening with my husband. I thought of those darkest days. The ones I didn't know if I'd make it through. Where there was just reminding myself to breath....in and out, in and out.

I thought of you and again prayed for you.

As I prayed I began to look around and realize all the beauties around me. The small things. The things I would have never been able to notice while I was sick.

In the middle (look closely) the swan you can see his reflection.

Tualitin River refection

DHubby

Two deer. Can you see them?!

The smell of the wet dirt, grass, trees.

Hearing the birds chirping. The splash in the river when a fish jumped and watching the rippling effect it caused in the water.

I could feel the warm sun kiss the skin on my face. The soft breeze tickling the hairs of my arm.

I could see the beautiful daises, and wild flowers. The otter swimming in the river, the bluish grey swan looking for dinner, the mother eagle sitting on top of her nest watching her little one. I imagine her encouraging and instructing her young one on how to fly as it was standing at the edge of the nest looking around trying to find the courage to spread its winds and fly.

My journey was painful and I have losses like everyone who experiences PPD/A but I have grown. I am stronger now. I am once again able to find peace and happiness in my everyday life. I am blessed.

I believe in the cause. I believe that knowledge is power. There is hope. There is Always Hope.

PostPartum Awareness

I have realized lately how much I lack in knowing the technology part of blogging. It seemed easy to start writing and letting people view my inter most fears and hardships. Hoping that maybe it will help someone who maybe be struggling, or perhaps help someone who knows of someone how is struggling.

I find myself frustrated in my lack of ability to help give support and awareness.

Next week on June 21st is a Climb out of the Darkness walk/hike for anyone and everyone who will help support the efforts in finding hope and light while suffering with mental mood disorders. I follow several blogs who are trying to earn money for this cause. It is a great movement and I wish I had to knowledge to help as they are.

Yet, I am lacking.

However I have learned to even though I am in Oregon, and it seems there is no 'climb out of the darkness' here. I can still join and do my own here at http://www.postpartumprogress.com/

I hope you can join me where ever you are in showing support whether financially or physically.

Help spread the hope.

to C & H

 There are so many things I wish I could say to my boys. Especially now as DH and I are planning and preparing to start to try to have another child. I wish that I could convince them of my love for them. I wish they knew how badly I wish that I could be a part of their lives right now. How I wish they weren't hurting or were confused about how come they can't see me. The list could go on and on. I LOVE! THEM! SO! MUCH!!!

I found this song today on youtube and it made me think of them. I love you C & H!!

Who HATES Mother's Day?!

I DO.

I remember as a little girl making/buying gifts, cards, or whatever for my mother. Singing to her at church and possibly even at home. It was great for me to remember/realize how much my mother really did for me. Honestly I must have been a very self centered child because rarely do I remember making such an effort to let her know I was grateful then on Mother's day.

Still today. As I think of Mother's day it gives me an excuse to treat my mother with something special. I enjoy being able to tell her I love you and thank her for her endless hours of service and care. I'm always amazed when I think about it, what an incredible job she really did.  That part of Mother's day I LOVE because the mothers in my life truly are incredible woman and deserve to be appreciated. I am grateful for this part of the day.

When I was a new mother I loved it as well. I was prego with my first and the anticipation I felt and the love I had for my unborn child was a dream come true. I'd always wanted to be a mother and moving forward in the goal was an incredible feeling.

Now however.

Ugh!! 

Mother's day is now taking my the loss of my two boys and shoving really hard in my face. No it's more like slamming in my face with a 2X4.Taking the dagger in my already infected heart and twisting it over and over again. I know it is unfair of me, but I envy all the mothers that are around me. Wishing that I was crying over the fact that I didn't feel like a good enough mother because Suzy over there is able to stay in shape, while home schooling her 7 kids, has all of her families year supply, cans and gardens every year, goes to all her kids endless events/games, and makes healthy yummy home cooked meals everyday, while keeping her house clean and adorable decorated as well. (You get the idea.) I have nothing to compare with. My boys are in someone elses arms this mothers day. They are making their adoptive mother little gifts made out of paper. They are telling her thank you and I love you.  (I am glad that they love their new mother, and show her the love and respect she deserves. Their mother is amazing. )Not me.

Will I ever get the chance to have that experience. Probably not with them. Maybe one day if J and I are able to have children in the future. Even then, though I will have joy in being a mother. And I will love those children and do the best I can as their mother to protect, teach, and provide for them. Those kids will never replace my little boys. I will always wonder how they are and always wish to be with them.

So to all my friends and family out there who try to tell me to look to the future. Concentrate on the now, tell me that you completely understand, or what ever advice you feel will be what I need to hear. Please refrain. You don't understand. It hurts and right now I just need a shoulder to cry on not a lecture on how you think I should be feeling. Please just hold me and show me that you care.

   

After a LONG, UGLY Week

After the tramatic week with my family.

I have needed time to recoop.

Yesterday Jake and I went to his parents for a yummy random turkey dinner. We ate and played a few games. Jake and I even went out on the tramp and watched the clouds for a few minutes drinking in the sun.

Today I took a napwith the window open. (Usually I don't like taking naps because I can't seem come night and I always seem to have bad dreams) but today it was just refreshing. I needed it.

I talked to my older brother today. He was kind and gave words of wisdom. I expected nothing less from him. He's amazing! That's why we call him 'John the Beloved' in our family. It brought more tears as we talked about the UGLY things said and done that happened last week. It is frustrating that this can't be a happy time for us. Especially for Jake and his family because they had nothing to do with my past and the UGLINESS that showed it's face this week. I am grateful for my brother. Living so far away and still taking the time to show he loves me, is nervous to support me in this, but being kind about it.

Gives me a little hope that in time, maybe just maybe things with my family will calm down again.

Maybe.

Until then I am choosing to take care of myself right now. I can't let their negative, hurtful input drag me down.

So I will continue to cry and mourn the loss of my sister, and the support of my other siblings.

I will also take time to treat myself to 'me time' like taking a nap once in awhile.

I will continue to research and prepare for this new adventure and challenge of having a child with my wonderful supportive spouse.

When I do get pregnant I am determined to make it special for Jake and I. This will be something to celebrate. Yes we need to prepare for the worst, but we will definitely be hoping for the best.

Family Drama

After a LOT of thought, prayer, fasting the decision has been made.

Jake and I are going to try to have a baby.

As we are in the process of finding a professional team together to support us in this journey as a precaution for a repeat of PPD/A we decided it was time to tell my family.

Telling my family was something that I was dreading doing from the beginning of trying to decide if trying to have a child was the right thing for us.

Well this week I wrote them an email and forwarded it to everyone in my family. I knew that it wouldn't be pretty or fun, but this has become incredibly UGLY. It seems to brought all the pain from the past PPD/A experience crashing down again on my family.

I understand their concern and fears. I do. I totally understand that. However, I am frustrated with them being so mean and vindictive in their response. They seem to refuse to hear me out. They think I'm being manipulative and selfish. It's hurtful and so hard.

My oldest sister has now told me she wants NOTHING to do with me and my life now. I fear she is the first. :(

I HATE this!!

I am trying to be open and forgiving about all of this.

I am grateful Jake encouraged me to talk to them about this now and not wait until I was prego. Dealing with all of this while feeling sick and dealing with all the hormone changes wouldn't have been fun and could have triggered the PPD/A to show up earlier than it did even with my last.

I KNOW Jake and I are making the right decision for us. I KNOW that. I don't know how this pregnancy and post pregnancy will go, but I have faith and the comfort of knowing that I'm making the right decision regardless of what my family thinks.
 

It's HARD. This makes it HARDER, but not impossible.

Hoping with time, my family will come around. If not. I will continue to grieve for my loss, our loss, and our babies loss. But I am grateful for the family they will have in their lives. Jake's family who thankfully fully support our decision. We are blessed.