Not bitter......really

I'm not bitter any more I just well, I hate the holidays.

All of them.

Christmas is the worst.

There is SO MUCH on Families!

Which really is great, if the world concentrated more on families it would be a better place.

I can't help but feel empty inside.

I look back, and I look forward.

I will always be missing something.

No matter what I do.

No matter who I am.

It sucks!

On the other hand, how grateful I am to have my dear hubby by my side. Holding my hand. I am stronger with him next to me. He makes coping with the pain of losing my two boys more bearable. I am grateful I have someone who will hold me when I cry and help me find spirit of Christmas even when I can't bare put up a Christmas tree. I am blessed! I truly am!

Just Breathe

I feel so empty.
I have to remind myself to breathe.
No matter how painful.
I push forward.
Keep going.
Even in the foggy mist.
One step.
One breathe.
Scratching, bleeding.
Fighting for life.
Just breathe.

Cool fresh air.
Inhale.
Deeply.
Just breathing.
Refresh.
Revive.
Just breathe.

Gives me Strength

http://bcove.me/z72c8hkc

Hopefully this link will work. If not, you can find it by going to http://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2013/10?lang=eng&vid=2722351290001&cid=10

This talk given by one of the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It gave me hope and strength for the future.

If he has struggled (though it seems not has harsh that I have dealt with) and is able to not only function, but be successful and happy in his life. Gives me hope for my future with trying to have a new little one.

This talk gives a wonderful list of how to take care of yourself when struggling with a mental illness. Also it gives guidance to those who know people who are struggling. LOVE this talk.

I have never been able to say that I was grateful for getting PPD/A 7 years ago. I have just lost so much!!

I realized through listening to these words that I have learned a lot from that awful experience. I am much more empathetic to most people. Especially mothers. Being able to love people and be patient for those around me who are struggling, well that is a gift. For that I am grateful. I hope that I can help someone some where.

There is ALWAYS hope!

Slacking....

I have been MIA lately. I'm sorry. No 'fun/good' reason.

I've been grieving.

Grieving hard!!

My youngest b-day was last month.

I had a LOT of triggers dealing with his b-day this year. I hate the bad memories, the bad thoughts, the temptations that seemed to slap me in the face this year. I am however very grateful that none of those awful memories and thoughts made me feel the same way. They are a past memory. Because of them I felt a great loss for my boys. Especial H at this time. I feel I hardly new him. I can never get that year that I had him back.

Now...I don't know when I will be get see my boys again.

In the back of my mind I always held onto this hope that maybe soon my sister and her husband would see that keeping my boys from me was only hurting them more.

That hope. Well, it's gone.

They are still incredibly upset with me, because I am choosing to have another child in the future.

Though we haven't started yet. I feel that as the time draws closer for this child the time seem to triple the time I will have away from my little boys.

This breaks my heart.

There is nothing I can do for my boys at this time. Their future lies with my sister and her husband.

The tears haven't stopped. The days are a blur right now.

How do you grieve the loss of two beautiful boys who are alive, but you can't be a part of their lives??!??

Though I am struggling. I am not sick. I can see and feel the difference, but I am struggling with being able to function while grieving.

Until I have the answers. I plan to do what I can with each day and if someone is uncomfortable walking past me at Freddie's while tears stroll down my face, will just have to deal. No you can't change my circumstance, but a warm hand on my shoulder and a smile. Is kind and gives me strength.

Hoping to find some balance soon.

What Babysitting Taught Me

This week I got to spend a couple of days babysitting my cute niece K who is 5 and smart as a whistle and my adorable nephew C(2) of whom reminds me so much of my little H. At least the H I can remember and dream about. I knew the two days, 14 hours of babysitting was going to be a challenge for me. I went into this thinking okay, lets see how prepared I am to be able to handle having to take care of kids for that long on my own. It was by far the longest I've been asked to take care of kids since losing my boys over 6 years ago. I was nervous but I wanted to prove to myself that I could not only do it physically and emotionally, but that I would be successful and that next time K and C were told that I would be babysitting them they would be excited because I'm the 'fun' Aunt. 

So I may have put more pressure on myself than I should have, but I want to be a good mom. I wanted to prove to myself that I couldn't only do it, but find joy in it. Finding the joy was the most important part for me, because in my last days of being a mother to C and H I was having a hard time living in the moment. Enjoying their giggles, babble, endless chatter, and need for attention. Of course now that I'm doing so much better I wish beyond belief that I could have those things back....well all of it back, but you know what I mean. 

Some of the things that I tried with K and C didn't work out.  I admit that in the moment when K and C wasn't impressed or even willing to try these activities that I thought put time and effort into creating was not only frustrating but disheartening. I was failing...already! I physically shook my head telling myself to take a deep breath and just try something else. And I did. We finger painted, we played on the swings and jumped on the trampoline. I even let K pick out a movie while I held C to try to get him to take a nap( mommy forgot his playpen for nap time) K was thrilled and eventually C fell in my arms.The first 7 hours (1st day) wasn't perfect, but I was able to enjoy most of it. 

One of those sweet moments I was able to enjoy! Success!

Day 2 was a great in some ways harder in others. My DH was around in the morning. Which was awesome! I was able to shower and peace and gets some dishes done without having to worry about what the kiddos were doing. DH and I are going to make a great pair. DH even took K and C outside to play.

While they were out having fun. The tears came. They weren't the same kind of tears that dropped when I was sick trying to care for two children. They were tears of loss of my two beautiful boys.( Little C is just learning how to talk. He doesn't know my name and so he calls me 'moma'. It is bitter sweet to hear. I don't remember H ever calling me mommy.) They were tears of hope and gratitude. I was doing it. I can do it. Even though it brought back memories which I'm sure being a mother again will do. I am hoping that I will be able to enjoy the moments all the more because I will be having another chance instead of the opposite.

After DH left for work we had some more fun. We prepared a marshmallow fight for when their mom, grandma and aunt A came back from work. K was so so excited. It was fun. While we waited for the 'm war' I taught K and C sign language. Which K drinks in it like a sponge, I think she loves it so much because it helps her to communicate with C. She's a great Big Sister. :) C is really starting to sign a lot more, which is also getting him to talk more as well. It was so fun to teach sign. Something that I love to do. 

Waiting for Mom, Gma, and Aunt to come through the door.

K and C signs they made to let their Mom. G-ma, and Aunt know what was coming. Which we put on the front door with their bags of mallos.

I wish I would have gotten pictures of the fun fight. It was a blast!

The last two days was hard and so much fun. 

It has taught me two important things. 

1. I can have fun with kids and enjoy it without having intrusive thoughts or 'bad thoughts'. Maybe this was obvious. I mean I've never had any issues with other peoples kids, but I feared that since my nephew reminded me of my H that maybe I would have old 'bad' triggers. That didn't happen. Yeah!!

2. This future pregnancy and child while be emotional for me because it will remind me of the deep losses I have inside of me that maybe I haven't fully dealt with or may ever fully get over. That feeling those emotions will be normal, but that, those emotions are now separate from the ppd/ppa feelings.

I have made one more step towards being ready for being a mom again.

Yes, it was small, but small steps forward will still get me to the finish line.

Out of Darkness Walk

I did it.

I walked.

I wasn't sure I would be able to, given my bad back.

But I just had to.

It's been an emotional week for me. It being 'shark week' didn't help. As I was thinking about this walk and remembering the ugly, the lose, and the heartache....well it just made me incredibly sad. I read other bloggers stories, they inspire me and give me hope, but sometimes...some days I envy them. I wish that my story had ended more like theirs. I wish that I still had my little boys that I could tuck into bed each night. I wish that I could finally be one of those moms who found mostly joy in being a mom.

My journey was different. My losses deep.

As I thought of the many woman struggling right now. Knowing what it is like to not be able to find joy in the little things. I prayed. I prayed for them. I pray that they find the strength to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I pray they don't give up. I pray they are able to feel those moments of joy in being a mother one day soon.

As I walked this evening with my husband. I thought of those darkest days. The ones I didn't know if I'd make it through. Where there was just reminding myself to breath....in and out, in and out.

I thought of you and again prayed for you.

As I prayed I began to look around and realize all the beauties around me. The small things. The things I would have never been able to notice while I was sick.

In the middle (look closely) the swan you can see his reflection.

Tualitin River refection

DHubby

Two deer. Can you see them?!

The smell of the wet dirt, grass, trees.

Hearing the birds chirping. The splash in the river when a fish jumped and watching the rippling effect it caused in the water.

I could feel the warm sun kiss the skin on my face. The soft breeze tickling the hairs of my arm.

I could see the beautiful daises, and wild flowers. The otter swimming in the river, the bluish grey swan looking for dinner, the mother eagle sitting on top of her nest watching her little one. I imagine her encouraging and instructing her young one on how to fly as it was standing at the edge of the nest looking around trying to find the courage to spread its winds and fly.

My journey was painful and I have losses like everyone who experiences PPD/A but I have grown. I am stronger now. I am once again able to find peace and happiness in my everyday life. I am blessed.

I believe in the cause. I believe that knowledge is power. There is hope. There is Always Hope.

PostPartum Awareness

I have realized lately how much I lack in knowing the technology part of blogging. It seemed easy to start writing and letting people view my inter most fears and hardships. Hoping that maybe it will help someone who maybe be struggling, or perhaps help someone who knows of someone how is struggling.

I find myself frustrated in my lack of ability to help give support and awareness.

Next week on June 21st is a Climb out of the Darkness walk/hike for anyone and everyone who will help support the efforts in finding hope and light while suffering with mental mood disorders. I follow several blogs who are trying to earn money for this cause. It is a great movement and I wish I had to knowledge to help as they are.

Yet, I am lacking.

However I have learned to even though I am in Oregon, and it seems there is no 'climb out of the darkness' here. I can still join and do my own here at http://www.postpartumprogress.com/

I hope you can join me where ever you are in showing support whether financially or physically.

Help spread the hope.