I have realized lately how much I lack in knowing the technology part of blogging. It seemed easy to start writing and letting people view my inter most fears and hardships. Hoping that maybe it will help someone who maybe be struggling, or perhaps help someone who knows of someone how is struggling.
I find myself frustrated in my lack of ability to help give support and awareness.
Next week on June 21st is a Climb out of the Darkness walk/hike for anyone and everyone who will help support the efforts in finding hope and light while suffering with mental mood disorders. I follow several blogs who are trying to earn money for this cause. It is a great movement and I wish I had to knowledge to help as they are.
Yet, I am lacking.
However I have learned to even though I am in Oregon, and it seems there is no 'climb out of the darkness' here. I can still join and do my own here at http://www.postpartumprogress.com/
I hope you can join me where ever you are in showing support whether financially or physically.
Help spread the hope.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
to C & H
There are so many things I wish I could say to my boys. Especially now as DH and I are planning and preparing to start to try to have another child. I wish that I could convince them of my love for them. I wish they knew how badly I wish that I could be a part of their lives right now. How I wish they weren't hurting or were confused about how come they can't see me. The list could go on and on. I LOVE! THEM! SO! MUCH!!!
I found this song today on youtube and it made me think of them. I love you C & H!!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Who HATES Mother's Day?!
I DO.
I remember as a little girl making/buying gifts, cards, or whatever for my mother. Singing to her at church and possibly even at home. It was great for me to remember/realize how much my mother really did for me. Honestly I must have been a very self centered child because rarely do I remember making such an effort to let her know I was grateful then on Mother's day.
Still today. As I think of Mother's day it gives me an excuse to treat my mother with something special. I enjoy being able to tell her I love you and thank her for her endless hours of service and care. I'm always amazed when I think about it, what an incredible job she really did. That part of Mother's day I LOVE because the mothers in my life truly are incredible woman and deserve to be appreciated. I am grateful for this part of the day.
When I was a new mother I loved it as well. I was prego with my first and the anticipation I felt and the love I had for my unborn child was a dream come true. I'd always wanted to be a mother and moving forward in the goal was an incredible feeling.
Now however.
Ugh!!
Mother's day is now taking my the loss of my two boys and shoving really hard in my face. No it's more like slamming in my face with a 2X4.Taking the dagger in my already infected heart and twisting it over and over again. I know it is unfair of me, but I envy all the mothers that are around me. Wishing that I was crying over the fact that I didn't feel like a good enough mother because Suzy over there is able to stay in shape, while home schooling her 7 kids, has all of her families year supply, cans and gardens every year, goes to all her kids endless events/games, and makes healthy yummy home cooked meals everyday, while keeping her house clean and adorable decorated as well. (You get the idea.) I have nothing to compare with. My boys are in someone elses arms this mothers day. They are making their adoptive mother little gifts made out of paper. They are telling her thank you and I love you. (I am glad that they love their new mother, and show her the love and respect she deserves. Their mother is amazing. )Not me.
Will I ever get the chance to have that experience. Probably not with them. Maybe one day if J and I are able to have children in the future. Even then, though I will have joy in being a mother. And I will love those children and do the best I can as their mother to protect, teach, and provide for them. Those kids will never replace my little boys. I will always wonder how they are and always wish to be with them.
So to all my friends and family out there who try to tell me to look to the future. Concentrate on the now, tell me that you completely understand, or what ever advice you feel will be what I need to hear. Please refrain. You don't understand. It hurts and right now I just need a shoulder to cry on not a lecture on how you think I should be feeling. Please just hold me and show me that you care.
I remember as a little girl making/buying gifts, cards, or whatever for my mother. Singing to her at church and possibly even at home. It was great for me to remember/realize how much my mother really did for me. Honestly I must have been a very self centered child because rarely do I remember making such an effort to let her know I was grateful then on Mother's day.
Still today. As I think of Mother's day it gives me an excuse to treat my mother with something special. I enjoy being able to tell her I love you and thank her for her endless hours of service and care. I'm always amazed when I think about it, what an incredible job she really did. That part of Mother's day I LOVE because the mothers in my life truly are incredible woman and deserve to be appreciated. I am grateful for this part of the day.
When I was a new mother I loved it as well. I was prego with my first and the anticipation I felt and the love I had for my unborn child was a dream come true. I'd always wanted to be a mother and moving forward in the goal was an incredible feeling.
Now however.
Ugh!!
Mother's day is now taking my the loss of my two boys and shoving really hard in my face. No it's more like slamming in my face with a 2X4.Taking the dagger in my already infected heart and twisting it over and over again. I know it is unfair of me, but I envy all the mothers that are around me. Wishing that I was crying over the fact that I didn't feel like a good enough mother because Suzy over there is able to stay in shape, while home schooling her 7 kids, has all of her families year supply, cans and gardens every year, goes to all her kids endless events/games, and makes healthy yummy home cooked meals everyday, while keeping her house clean and adorable decorated as well. (You get the idea.) I have nothing to compare with. My boys are in someone elses arms this mothers day. They are making their adoptive mother little gifts made out of paper. They are telling her thank you and I love you. (I am glad that they love their new mother, and show her the love and respect she deserves. Their mother is amazing. )Not me.
Will I ever get the chance to have that experience. Probably not with them. Maybe one day if J and I are able to have children in the future. Even then, though I will have joy in being a mother. And I will love those children and do the best I can as their mother to protect, teach, and provide for them. Those kids will never replace my little boys. I will always wonder how they are and always wish to be with them.
So to all my friends and family out there who try to tell me to look to the future. Concentrate on the now, tell me that you completely understand, or what ever advice you feel will be what I need to hear. Please refrain. You don't understand. It hurts and right now I just need a shoulder to cry on not a lecture on how you think I should be feeling. Please just hold me and show me that you care.
Monday, April 22, 2013
After a LONG, UGLY Week
After the tramatic week with my family.
I have needed time to recoop.
Yesterday Jake and I went to his parents for a yummy random turkey dinner. We ate and played a few games. Jake and I even went out on the tramp and watched the clouds for a few minutes drinking in the sun.
Today I took a napwith the window open. (Usually I don't like taking naps because I can't seem come night and I always seem to have bad dreams) but today it was just refreshing. I needed it.
I talked to my older brother today. He was kind and gave words of wisdom. I expected nothing less from him. He's amazing! That's why we call him 'John the Beloved' in our family. It brought more tears as we talked about the UGLY things said and done that happened last week. It is frustrating that this can't be a happy time for us. Especially for Jake and his family because they had nothing to do with my past and the UGLINESS that showed it's face this week. I am grateful for my brother. Living so far away and still taking the time to show he loves me, is nervous to support me in this, but being kind about it.
Gives me a little hope that in time, maybe just maybe things with my family will calm down again.
Maybe.
Until then I am choosing to take care of myself right now. I can't let their negative, hurtful input drag me down.
So I will continue to cry and mourn the loss of my sister, and the support of my other siblings.
I will also take time to treat myself to 'me time' like taking a nap once in awhile.
I will continue to research and prepare for this new adventure and challenge of having a child with my wonderful supportive spouse.
When I do get pregnant I am determined to make it special for Jake and I. This will be something to celebrate. Yes we need to prepare for the worst, but we will definitely be hoping for the best.
I have needed time to recoop.
Yesterday Jake and I went to his parents for a yummy random turkey dinner. We ate and played a few games. Jake and I even went out on the tramp and watched the clouds for a few minutes drinking in the sun.
Today I took a napwith the window open. (Usually I don't like taking naps because I can't seem come night and I always seem to have bad dreams) but today it was just refreshing. I needed it.
I talked to my older brother today. He was kind and gave words of wisdom. I expected nothing less from him. He's amazing! That's why we call him 'John the Beloved' in our family. It brought more tears as we talked about the UGLY things said and done that happened last week. It is frustrating that this can't be a happy time for us. Especially for Jake and his family because they had nothing to do with my past and the UGLINESS that showed it's face this week. I am grateful for my brother. Living so far away and still taking the time to show he loves me, is nervous to support me in this, but being kind about it.
Gives me a little hope that in time, maybe just maybe things with my family will calm down again.
Maybe.
Until then I am choosing to take care of myself right now. I can't let their negative, hurtful input drag me down.
So I will continue to cry and mourn the loss of my sister, and the support of my other siblings.
I will also take time to treat myself to 'me time' like taking a nap once in awhile.
I will continue to research and prepare for this new adventure and challenge of having a child with my wonderful supportive spouse.
When I do get pregnant I am determined to make it special for Jake and I. This will be something to celebrate. Yes we need to prepare for the worst, but we will definitely be hoping for the best.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Family Drama
After a LOT of thought, prayer, fasting the decision has been made.
Jake and I are going to try to have a baby.
As we are in the process of finding a professional team together to support us in this journey as a precaution for a repeat of PPD/A we decided it was time to tell my family.
Telling my family was something that I was dreading doing from the beginning of trying to decide if trying to have a child was the right thing for us.
Well this week I wrote them an email and forwarded it to everyone in my family. I knew that it wouldn't be pretty or fun, but this has become incredibly UGLY. It seems to brought all the pain from the past PPD/A experience crashing down again on my family.
I understand their concern and fears. I do. I totally understand that. However, I am frustrated with them being so mean and vindictive in their response. They seem to refuse to hear me out. They think I'm being manipulative and selfish. It's hurtful and so hard.
My oldest sister has now told me she wants NOTHING to do with me and my life now. I fear she is the first. :(
I HATE this!!
I am trying to be open and forgiving about all of this.
I am grateful Jake encouraged me to talk to them about this now and not wait until I was prego. Dealing with all of this while feeling sick and dealing with all the hormone changes wouldn't have been fun and could have triggered the PPD/A to show up earlier than it did even with my last.
I KNOW Jake and I are making the right decision for us. I KNOW that. I don't know how this pregnancy and post pregnancy will go, but I have faith and the comfort of knowing that I'm making the right decision regardless of what my family thinks.
It's HARD. This makes it HARDER, but not impossible.
Hoping with time, my family will come around. If not. I will continue to grieve for my loss, our loss, and our babies loss. But I am grateful for the family they will have in their lives. Jake's family who thankfully fully support our decision. We are blessed.
Jake and I are going to try to have a baby.
As we are in the process of finding a professional team together to support us in this journey as a precaution for a repeat of PPD/A we decided it was time to tell my family.
Telling my family was something that I was dreading doing from the beginning of trying to decide if trying to have a child was the right thing for us.
Well this week I wrote them an email and forwarded it to everyone in my family. I knew that it wouldn't be pretty or fun, but this has become incredibly UGLY. It seems to brought all the pain from the past PPD/A experience crashing down again on my family.
I understand their concern and fears. I do. I totally understand that. However, I am frustrated with them being so mean and vindictive in their response. They seem to refuse to hear me out. They think I'm being manipulative and selfish. It's hurtful and so hard.
My oldest sister has now told me she wants NOTHING to do with me and my life now. I fear she is the first. :(
I HATE this!!
I am trying to be open and forgiving about all of this.
I am grateful Jake encouraged me to talk to them about this now and not wait until I was prego. Dealing with all of this while feeling sick and dealing with all the hormone changes wouldn't have been fun and could have triggered the PPD/A to show up earlier than it did even with my last.
I KNOW Jake and I are making the right decision for us. I KNOW that. I don't know how this pregnancy and post pregnancy will go, but I have faith and the comfort of knowing that I'm making the right decision regardless of what my family thinks.
It's HARD. This makes it HARDER, but not impossible.
Hoping with time, my family will come around. If not. I will continue to grieve for my loss, our loss, and our babies loss. But I am grateful for the family they will have in their lives. Jake's family who thankfully fully support our decision. We are blessed.
Monday, April 1, 2013
If you want me to Lyrics ~ By Ginny Owens
Today was the first time I heard this song. And I LOVED it. It perfectly describes how I am feeling right now. The road to having a child may really be super rocky and at times I may feel incredibly alone. Like I did after H, but this is my new theme song. I will listen to it as the anxiety and fears increase about the unknowns of the future. A great reminder to me that I am NOT ALONE, and neither are you.
www.http://youtu.be/OuElxkQsMk4
www.http://youtu.be/OuElxkQsMk4
I Want My Mommy!
I'm sick. Again.
Whenever I get sick I always get a little homesick as well.
I guess homesick is the wrong word, really I just want my mom.
I feel like crap. I know I should eat something.
I know I should be drinking fluids like crazy.
Etc. Etc.
but my whole body aches, my head is pounding, and I fear that if I move I wont be able to keep what I do have in my stomach down.
If my mother was here she would lay me back down.
Make me some chicken noodle soup.
Bring me herbal tea and lots of water.
Make sure I was warm and comfortable.
Tell me she loved me.
Moms are wonderful like that. Even though my relationship with my mother is maybe a few texts once a month. She has the knowledge, patience, and love to help me feel better.
Am I the only one that just wants to be cared for like a little kid when sick?
Whenever I get sick I always get a little homesick as well.
I guess homesick is the wrong word, really I just want my mom.
I feel like crap. I know I should eat something.
I know I should be drinking fluids like crazy.
Etc. Etc.
but my whole body aches, my head is pounding, and I fear that if I move I wont be able to keep what I do have in my stomach down.
If my mother was here she would lay me back down.
Make me some chicken noodle soup.
Bring me herbal tea and lots of water.
Make sure I was warm and comfortable.
Tell me she loved me.
Moms are wonderful like that. Even though my relationship with my mother is maybe a few texts once a month. She has the knowledge, patience, and love to help me feel better.
Am I the only one that just wants to be cared for like a little kid when sick?
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