Finally an Update

Sorry....to those wondering how I have been doing out there. The delay in posting has been because honestly I didn't know how to write what I wanted to say. I still don't actually, but I just can't put if off any longer. My sweet Sunshine is taking a nap and so I am determined to do this today. :)

It's been just over 11 weeks now that I had my sunshine. In some ways it seems like that has been forever (during labor I was injured, symphysis pubis separation, I have been in a lot of physical pain and walking around as best I can with a walker.) When it comes to looking at my sunshine I can't believe that she is almost 3 months old already. What a joy she is!!

After the dramatic birth of sunshine. 13 hours of labor, with sunshine very stressed out heart rate kept dropping it all ended in the operating room. I had a c-section. Not what I wanted let alone planned, but thankfully our sunshine arrived safely. I ended up staying in the hospital for 6 days while the Dr's and nurses tried to figure out what was wrong and how to help control some of the pain.

Regardless of the physical drama I am thankful to say that emotionally I have been doing incredibly well. Yes it's true! It's a miracle! I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for healing me and letting me enjoy my sweet sunshine as I imagined it could be. I hold her and there is peace and love that swells through me. There is no confusing feelings or unwelcome thoughts and fears.

That is not to say that I have not felt the loss of my boys as I hold my little girl in my arms. I still ache for them I always will. Wishing that things were different, but reminding myself that they are in a good place and that I am grateful for that at least. I do know know if my sunshine will every know her brothers on a personal level, but she will know them from me.

With Mother's day coming up this Sunday the tears of my losses come in buckets. It has become of day of memories, and what if's, desperately aching for things to change and be better.

It STILL is.

But, this year. The first time in 8 long years, I have something to be grateful for. My little sunshine, I am well and I am her mommy and that is an incredible gift!

DH with sunshine 

about a week old

ahhh! baby feet. (the only time feet are cute)

Update: 28 weeks

Today I am officially 28 weeks.

It's seems crazy to think I only have another 12 weeks to prepare to meet baby girl.

I have been working hard to get through some of my fears. In my research and preparation I learned about Hypnobirthing. The more I have read about it the more I am loving it. Through meditation and relaxation I am learning to let go of the fears created from the past and move forward with peace and calm. Not to say that I still don't have doubts and fears that I am working on, but it's nice to have something to work on and practice that gives me a sense of control in myself and the day of birth for my baby girl.

My goal is to have a natural birth/post birth experience, but I have accepted that if medication or other methods are needed to secure mine and my babies safety then I will take that route without doubting my abilities to be a good mother to my child.

I am now to the point were I meet with my midwife twice a month now. I am meeting with a therapist as well. Which has only help build my confidence in my abilities to have a positive experience, while at the same time, be aware of any changes that might occur in my body and mind. I feel my relationship with my therapist is at a place now where she will be able to help me recognize if there steps that need to be met.

There is much to do in the next 3 months. I am grateful I have this time to practice and prepare for baby girl, but I am so looking forward to holding baby girl in my arms and knowing that she is mine.

I have much to be grateful for, and a chance to be a mother again is one of my greatest blessings of all. Regardless of what may come in the future I know the Lord knows and loves me. That He knows and loves this baby and that He is forever on our side and as we continue to turn to Him we wont lose.

It's a....

       It was incredible to get to see our little angel up close and personal on Thursday morning. :)

She was so perfect! She melted our hearts. Even though DH would have liked a boy to carry on the last name he is super excited to have a Daddy's girl, and she already is. Seriously he comes home and starts talking to her and rubbing my belly and all the sudden she is awake and so excited. She loves her daddy! It's adorable!!

Guess what!!!

It's been awhile.

I am sorry. Been meaning to write and tell you our news, but I wanted to give my friends and family so time to adjust first.

We Are EXPECTING!!

8 years ago today was the day I had my second little boy. The day of agony and pain, and I was willing to go through that terrible pain, because I was expecting to hold my little boy and feel peace and love towards him and all would be right and perfect. Well it didn't turn out that way. Though I love my little H peace, rightness, and perfection was far from my mind. Something happened and all craziness broke lose. It was horrific! I hated where my mind went with everything that had to do with being a mother. Hope was lost. The peace I ached for seemed just out of reach no matter what I did except for the few moments in the temple or while receiving a blessing from a worthy priesthood holding. 

Today like every year has been an emotional roller coaster as I think back and feel the loss of what that day cost me. I am without my little H. He lives in another state. He is happy and well taken care of, but I miss him and his older brother EVERYDAY. I am grateful that he and his brother are well, but I wish I was part of the reason he was happy. I know that I did the right thing for my boys, just like I know that I'm doing the right thing now for my little family. A lot of the time however doing what is right isn't easy. 

So even though today I have reflected a lot on what has been lost I am in awe that 8 years later I have been given a second chance. As this baby kicks inside of me letting me know he/she is there and growing is a miracle to me is so many ways. I have peace knowing that I am doing what the Lord has called on Jake and I to do. I know that He is with me in this. I know that He will always be there to help me through whatever happens in the future. Today though my tears are full of loss they are also full of gratitude. My Lord, Our Lord loves me. He knows my desires and wants. He knows my weakness and strengths. He will give me the strength that I need to make it through this. He will bless me. He has promised to do so. I know that I may never understand until after this life fully why I had to lose my little ones before, but I am grateful that I know of His love and His desire for me to succeed and be happy. 

Climb Out of Darkness 2014

I was quite sick this year, and so though I wanted to climb with the other women in Portland this year I decided it would be better to stick some what closer to home, just in case.

My DH and I hiked Angel's Rest.

It was challenging for me, being so sick physically, but it reminded me how far I have come and what can be accomplished if you just keep moving forward.

This is considered a weed to most here in Oregon I learned, but I found beauty in it.
Guess you can find beauty in anything if you chose to look at it in such light.

A peak of what reaching the top will be like.
This reminded me about my journey out of the darkness of my depression. Most of the time I could only concentrate on the steps I had to make to keep moving forward, panting, needing breaks, feeling the burn in my muscles from the effort, but once in awhile I would have a good day, or a good week and I could see more then just the dirt below my feet. There was a glimpse of the life I once enjoyed. I cherished it! 

I have always found dead trees incredibly beautiful. I have been told how odd this is, but it's the truth. They are no longer carry life, no more leaves to cover the brown bark, but they have a beautiful story to tell.
This how strong they are. All these trees are still standing tall. What they have had to endure, they are a source of strength and power to me. 

Beautiful wild flowers along the side of the dirt path. What are you wild flowers that help you see the good in your climb? If you don't have any that you can think of try to find something that makes you want to smile throughout the day. Is it the calm after the kids leave for school? Is it your cup of tea? Is it getting to finally take a shower?
Having the energy to get out of bed? Whatever it is I encourage you to look and find those things that give you a moment of peace and a breath of fresh air.

Another peak of beauty. I'm getting closer I can tell.

This moment in the hike was incredible. At first I was elated I had made it. I was done.
The view is/was incredible! I can see far and wide.
It's breathtaking! And in a good way. Finally!
Then I noticed a couple of hiking coming out of a clearing just above these rocks and realized that I wasn't to the top yet.
It was a disappointment I will admit, but I realized that I still have more to go, more healing, more taking one step and a time. I looked back at that moment to this view. Took it in to try my best to remember it and move forward once again.

I don't know if you can tell, but this is a part of the sole of a shoe someone lost on the trail.
When I saw it, I thought how all of us who are or have struggled or will struggle with PPD/A has changed.
My soul has changed. There are parts of my heart that will never be the same. The damage is done, but that doesn't mean that I can't keep moving forward. That I am not stronger then I once was, even with the loss that I have and will endure with this illness. This part in my journey was profound. The tears came and I let them.
I have lost a lot, my DH held me. Giving me the support I needed and I continued on.

Almost there. At the very last stretch of climbing we had to hike up and over these HUGE boulders.

The top in site. :)

The remarkable view!
I did it! Sick and all and I made it to the top!

It was hard, it was painful, it was lets face it humiliating, but oh was it worth it!

We did it! (and look we are even smiling)

One more step towards a better me. :)

Hoping you find a happy moment in your day!

Taking a Mental Day

My heart strings have been pulled so tight ever since getting to see my handsome boys 2 months ago. In some ways it feels like a dream still, and yet as I close my eyes I can see their young bright smiles. How I miss them! How I ache for them! How I worry for them! My prayers always directed to their home in UT.

What a blessing it was to see them. To see them healthy and happy. I am so grateful for the opportunity to see them, to get to know them a little bit.

At the same time it has made me miss them all the more. The wounds have been ripped opened.

I have been trying my best to function, cope, and yet move forward.

I know now that I will never be considered a mother to my sweet boys even though I still feel like I am their mother. Mom to them will forever be directed towards my selfless loving sister. Many times I have ached to be in her shoes, but as I heard them refer to her as mom I forced a smile to block the tears that suddenly wanted to fall. I couldn't let them escape. I was determined to enjoy every moment with my little ones. And I did. I relished it. I continue to play it over and over again in my head and heart. Holding onto every memory. Every feeling. Every laughter and smile that came from their mouths to my eyes and ears.

Maybe since I felt I had to hold strong to the heartache erupting inside of me when I saw them walk through my parents front door and those few hours is why I haven't been able to let myself truly wet my face with the deep loss that I felt and feel until now.

Today I was planning to go on another hike. I have been hiking alone lately. ( I will write more about my experiences in a later post). Instead of the hike, instead of doing the dishes, the laundry, and getting a swim in or something for that matter. I have sat in bed listening to touching music and letting the tears finally fall. It's been heartbreaking and healing.

Days like today I wonder why this all happened. Did I deserve to get sick? Did I deserve to lose my boys? Did I deserve all the harsh judgments? The lost friends and family members?

What was I to learn from this? Am I in anyway better now that I've healed? Am I making any difference in my life now? Am I helping those who struggle today with the scary dark cloud that covers so many beautiful woman out there? What can I do differently? How can I make losing everything a positive thing at least for those that I am around?

Of course I didn't deserve it. No one does! Did it happen to me? Yes. Did it impact my life? Yes! Will I ever be C and H's mother to them...maybe never. I hope one day to be a friend, mentor, confidant....who knows maybe one day I will be able to help them in ways that I never could if I was still their 'mother'. Our God, our great God whom I call my loving gracious Heavenly Father has a plan. He knows me and He knows my boys. He will make everything okay, and He can make things even better then I can imagine if I just let Him.

The judgments and loss of friends and family still hurt when I think about those days. If I have learned one thing in all of this it is to not be so quick to judge. Even a mother who looks like she has it all. Looks completely put together and doesn't have a challenge in the world, behind closed doors it is Always a different story. My compassion for people, mothers especially has grown in a way that probably never would have happened had I not had my own personal turmoil with PPD/A. My compassion for couples who are unable to have children. People who have never married though it has always been their dream. Any one persons dream to do something whatever it maybe. My love for those around me has grown so much. For that I am grateful.

The friends I have lost...well it will never be easy to look back upon, but I have gained new friends. Some I may never have met had I not gone through such a challenging time in my life. With my family....things are still strained. Some very strained, but I still love them. I also hope that maybe there is a part in their heart for me as well. Until that day when they realize I wasn't making things up. That I was doing the best that I could. That I was listening and trying my best to be the mom that I SO DESIRED TO BE!!! One day I hope that things will be better. One day.

I don't know that I am making much of an impact on anyone. Right now, I have gotten the impression that many mothers don't want to hear my story, or talk to me about what happened. I believe most of that is because of fear and triggers. My story so far doesn't sound like a happily ever after that we all like to hear, me included in that. (Could be wrong of course.) I can sympathize with that though. I know that while I was sick I couldn't deal with such harsh realities. I couldn't watch the news. I would stay inside to protect myself from the 'worlds' harshness and judgments at times. One day I hope that all those who read my story find hope and strength to keep moving forward. I know that losing my boys, and a valued relationship with my family looks awful. It was awful, but I'm more than that!

My story didn't end when I lost my boys. My story didn't end when I got a divorce. My story didn't end when I moved away from my family so that I wouldn't have to feel to left out and 'black sheepish'. My story hasn't ended yet and neither has yours. I pray no one has to loss as much as I have lost in this illness. The lose is incredible deep and days like today I let myself really feel it, but my life is good. It's not how I pictured it, but I have chosen to accept what was and what is and move forward to the best of my ability. Some may never understand or want to understand....some may really be sick of my ramblings and give up on me. That's okay. I am inviting you to find hope, because even though I literally lost everything I am making something of my life. I am finding happiness even with my heart still hurting. There is a future for me. Just like their is a future for you. Whatever I/you are struggling with today, may not be gone tomorrow, in a week, or in years. I try not to over think it... one day at a time. I can do this one day at a time. It's not so overwhelming that way. It's more doable. I can find hope in the tomorrows that way.

Today I let the tears fall, for I have much to grieve, and I accept that.However tomorrow is a new day.

To better tomorrows.

PS. However hard it has been and will be. I can't WAIT to see my boys again! I won't stop hoping that I will get that chance again.

Big Step

After work my DH and I went for a hike to

celebrate our freedoms and enjoy the beauties that this country provides us.

We decided to go to Multnomah Falls, a popular hike here in Oregon.

Last year around this time I asked Jake to drive me there.

I was still in to much physical pain to hike it, but I wanted to see it and set a goal to be able to hike that steep but so worth it hike.

The drive alone kept me in bed for the next few days.

This year we made it to the top!

Legs burning, but we did it!

The very top of Multnomah Falls. None of the pictures do it justice.
A railing kept for getting a picture that could show you how far up we were.
Not that I would have gotten any closer. I'm a afraid of hieghts...add water to that and it's a disaster just waiting to happen if you ask me.

Such a beautiful sunset!

Love the colors contrast!

None of the pictures are filtered by the way. I'm not that tech savvy yet.

One years time and look what I can do now. I know that it's hard in the moment to look forward to the future. So if you feel overwhelmed by the future now just take a moment to notice something beautiful around you now and breath it in.

Regardless of weather it's smell of a rose, watching the sun go down,

listening to music that reaches your soul, the feel of water and sand between your toes.

Whatever it is take a moment and enjoy, because in the moment life is good.

It rejuvenates. 

Find the good and let yourself enjoy it!

Mother's Day....what an Evil Day! (warning I rambled a LOT)

Okay so technically I don't think the day is even. I am grateful for the mother's in the world today who do so much to try and raise their children to the best that they know how. It is a day to remember the great things that your mother and those around you influenced your life. At least I do... I love the mother's in my life. The one who gave me birth. She is a rock, strong and true. She is devoted to her faith and teaching (she is a high school history teacher) maybe if I had, had her in High School I would have liked/ learned something of value in my history class. She is tough as nails. Stubborn as an ox. Devoted to her family. She graduated from college with her degree, put her career on hold for over 25 years so that she could care for her family. 7 children she had. What a Remarkable accomplishment! Once the youngest was in school, she went back to school and began teaching several years later. She is amazing! She is strong! and have I mentioned that I love and honor her with my whole heart.

My MIL is the best! I have only been in the Seward family for almost a couple of years now. She immediately welcomed me into her home and made me feel like one of her own. She cares for me. Watches out for me. Listens to me and feeds me any chance she gets. She was the super mom who had 5 kids in 6 years. She home taught all of her children and they lived a half hour away from any
real grocery store, movie theater, or entertainment anything. She drove her kids to seminary every morning. A 20 minute drive (I think) at 6 am, then picked them up again afterwards (remember they were home schooled). All her children are so smart, funny, and incredible at whatever they have chosen to do. All because of her incredibly warm, loving, personality. Jake frequently comments that he married his mother. Jokingly usually...something like I always have to go to the bathroom before I go any where and I always have snacks in my purse, just in case. Something that she does. He doesn't realize how much I appreciate that comment...I don't think....I truly want to be like my MIL is so many ways.

My sisters in SIL are amazing! Every time I am around them. No matter what they seem to be doing. Changing diapers, reading with kids, teaching a lesson in primary, learning a new language, etc. etc. The things my sisters do as mothers and as women are truly incredible. My oldest sister C just got her masters degree. Awesome! One day I hope to just graduate from college. She inspires me! All my sisters do.

Even though on mother's day I try my hardest to concentrate on the good woman who have/ do inspire me I still get sick inside. How I miss my little C and H! How I wish I got to lesson to them sing 'Mother I love you mother I do....' to me. I'm grateful that sing it to my sister L because she deserves it, but man I wish that I could have them in my life too. Seeing them for the first time in over six years just over a month ago was incredible. I wouldn't change in for the world. My ache for them has increased a million times over this year. I soaked my pillow with tears missing my little boys and wanting a hug and an I love you mom! I know I'll never hear those words put together in a sentence. Not from them. They call me by my name and L is Mom. Which makes perfect sense, thats how it should be of course. So that they aren't confused, but man I miss it!!

I have been dreading writing and even talking about it. Why because I know that the words that I say don't even begin to skim the intense feelings that I feel for my boys. The loss that I feel everyday for their little bodies to be in my arms again. For me to be their mother. I have lost that forever. To them I will never be their mother, just a birth mom. A birth mom. How I HATE that term and how it makes me feel...almost less than human.

I feel so torn now between my boys and what the future holds for DH and I's future family. DH is now so excited. We had my IUD removed the end of last month. DH is excited thinking that a little girl or boy could be growing in side of me right now. For me, right now. I know that us having a child is the right thing for us to do. I know that, but right now I'm not looking forward to it. I'm trying to...at least sometimes. Looking and baby stuff, trying to plan, but right now I'm mostly morning the loss of my boys and praying and praying that us having a family will not make things harder for my boys. I know the Lord is aware of us and of them. I know he knows us and cares for us both. I am praying for that they will be comforted. They they will find joy in it and not feel confused and hurt. I am praying and praying. Can my prayers really change how they react and feel? I don't know. They always have their free agency, but it gives me hope and right now that is all I have.

Mother's day how I Hate it! Will that ever change? Even when I have a child in my arms again, that I can call my own. They will call me mommy and will sing to me that they love me.... I know I will find joy in that blessing. I know it, but I also know that it will not change the loss that I now have and will forever have.

Another hope in all of this. My awful story of loss and pain. I hope that when I am able to have that little child in my arms and I am able to cope and function and love that child. That all those who know my story of PPD/A. That no how bad is was for me. Saw what I had lost and then can see what I have gained can find hope in their own struggle in their own story of heartache and change. I know most women hate to hear my story. My story is almost as bad as it can get. Losing your children having to give them up for adoption. Only one thing is worse then that, they have said and that is giving into the the awful voices/thoughts in your head, the PPD/A that is speaking to you haunting you. The only thing worse is actually acting on them. I am forever grateful that I didn't fall into that category.  The Lord sustained me and I am now free of those awful voices/thoughts. When I have this child and any others that may or may not come afterwards and I can share with these woman that I survived and coped even after something so terrible as all that I have endured. As my children and family have endured, that there is hope in a better tomorrow. Instead of fear in hearing my story like they do now....I truly hope it will give them to strength them, encourage them, help them look towards that better tomorrow.

Mother's day is over. I choose to move past it. At least in this moment. I have a better future to look forward to. There is joy there and I'm going to find it. Praying as always that my boys may find that joy as well.

Climb Out of Darkness 2014

This year I am so excited to join ranks with the fabulous Grace in trying to raise money and awareness of PPD/A and other mood disorders associated with pregnancy.

We are planning to go on a hike near Mtn. Hood in Oregon on June 21st.

For more details about how to join us and/or donate to this life changing cause go here:

https://www.crowdrise.com/graceparson-COTD2014/fundraiser/jakesondailaceysewar

" Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it." -Michael J. Fox

Let's find our way through it people!!

On Hold...

I feel like a very big part of who I am supposed to be is on hold right now. My DH is having a hard time with the thought of us having a child. He hates change, and the fact that this change might be really hard on all of us he is REALLY DRAGGING HIS FEET. I know that he knows that this is the right thing for us to do, but he just really doesn't want to have to, right now.

Honestly there are times when I feel similar feelings as him. Life is really good for us right now. I absolutely LOVE having him all to myself. I love our time together and I am not ignorant on how that will change dramatically, even with a healthy baby and mommy. There are times when I have let the fear in and been grateful for his having us be on hold.

Then as I pray about my fears and worries I eventually come back to that same peaceful feeling. I swear I can already see my babies face. I already feel a love towards our future baby, and yet we aren't even starting to try yet. In fact right now is when we were planning on getting my professional team together so that we could start trying. That isn't happening.

Nothing is.

Well....I guess that's not true. I have been working really hard the last couple of month to get stronger and healthier. I am down about 6 lbs. Go me! My back is doing remarkable better, especially considering how much more active I have been the last couple of months with my part time job at the book store. Which I have loved by the way.

During this time of being on hold....or waiting I have decided to not only work on me physically which I have already started, but to work on my spiritual/emotional self as well. I bought a book this week from the book store it's called Becoming His. It's a book that is supposed to take a years journey into looking in depth of who I am and who I would like to become.

I am trying to make this most of this pause. I am sure it will only help me in the end, right. Whatever/whenever that maybe.

She Will Find What Is Lost

Today while at the Deseret Book store I saw this painting which hit me with such impact.

It reminded me of my experience with PPD/A.

 It was such a dark time for me.

I think anyone who as suffered from depression can relate to that dark, hopeless feeling.

Living life day to day. Feeling like I are going no where.

Lost in my hole of an existence.

At least it felt as such.

Remembering makes me want to physically shake off the unwanted memories.

Yet. I KNOW there were angels watching over me.

Protecting me from the illness I was trying to understand and overcome.

Keeping me alive. 

Reminding me to breathe.

If you are struggling finding hope and light.

I hope looking at this painting will help you find some comfort.

You Are LOVED! There is Always HOPE!

"She will find what is lost" by: Brian Kershisnik

I don't know Brian Kershisnik and probably never will have the privilege to, but I wanted to thank him publicly for this beautiful painting of hope. A reminder that we are loved and watched over no matter how lost and afraid we may feel. 

One day I plan to buy this painting. It will take hours of working for me to earn it, but it will be worth it.

(This is not a paid advertisement. I just love the message this painting gives.)

Not bitter......really

I'm not bitter any more I just well, I hate the holidays.

All of them.

Christmas is the worst.

There is SO MUCH on Families!

Which really is great, if the world concentrated more on families it would be a better place.

I can't help but feel empty inside.

I look back, and I look forward.

I will always be missing something.

No matter what I do.

No matter who I am.

It sucks!

On the other hand, how grateful I am to have my dear hubby by my side. Holding my hand. I am stronger with him next to me. He makes coping with the pain of losing my two boys more bearable. I am grateful I have someone who will hold me when I cry and help me find spirit of Christmas even when I can't bare put up a Christmas tree. I am blessed! I truly am!

Just Breathe

I feel so empty.
I have to remind myself to breathe.
No matter how painful.
I push forward.
Keep going.
Even in the foggy mist.
One step.
One breathe.
Scratching, bleeding.
Fighting for life.
Just breathe.

Cool fresh air.
Inhale.
Deeply.
Just breathing.
Refresh.
Revive.
Just breathe.

Gives me Strength

http://bcove.me/z72c8hkc

Hopefully this link will work. If not, you can find it by going to http://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2013/10?lang=eng&vid=2722351290001&cid=10

This talk given by one of the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It gave me hope and strength for the future.

If he has struggled (though it seems not has harsh that I have dealt with) and is able to not only function, but be successful and happy in his life. Gives me hope for my future with trying to have a new little one.

This talk gives a wonderful list of how to take care of yourself when struggling with a mental illness. Also it gives guidance to those who know people who are struggling. LOVE this talk.

I have never been able to say that I was grateful for getting PPD/A 7 years ago. I have just lost so much!!

I realized through listening to these words that I have learned a lot from that awful experience. I am much more empathetic to most people. Especially mothers. Being able to love people and be patient for those around me who are struggling, well that is a gift. For that I am grateful. I hope that I can help someone some where.

There is ALWAYS hope!

Slacking....

I have been MIA lately. I'm sorry. No 'fun/good' reason.

I've been grieving.

Grieving hard!!

My youngest b-day was last month.

I had a LOT of triggers dealing with his b-day this year. I hate the bad memories, the bad thoughts, the temptations that seemed to slap me in the face this year. I am however very grateful that none of those awful memories and thoughts made me feel the same way. They are a past memory. Because of them I felt a great loss for my boys. Especial H at this time. I feel I hardly new him. I can never get that year that I had him back.

Now...I don't know when I will be get see my boys again.

In the back of my mind I always held onto this hope that maybe soon my sister and her husband would see that keeping my boys from me was only hurting them more.

That hope. Well, it's gone.

They are still incredibly upset with me, because I am choosing to have another child in the future.

Though we haven't started yet. I feel that as the time draws closer for this child the time seem to triple the time I will have away from my little boys.

This breaks my heart.

There is nothing I can do for my boys at this time. Their future lies with my sister and her husband.

The tears haven't stopped. The days are a blur right now.

How do you grieve the loss of two beautiful boys who are alive, but you can't be a part of their lives??!??

Though I am struggling. I am not sick. I can see and feel the difference, but I am struggling with being able to function while grieving.

Until I have the answers. I plan to do what I can with each day and if someone is uncomfortable walking past me at Freddie's while tears stroll down my face, will just have to deal. No you can't change my circumstance, but a warm hand on my shoulder and a smile. Is kind and gives me strength.

Hoping to find some balance soon.

What Babysitting Taught Me

This week I got to spend a couple of days babysitting my cute niece K who is 5 and smart as a whistle and my adorable nephew C(2) of whom reminds me so much of my little H. At least the H I can remember and dream about. I knew the two days, 14 hours of babysitting was going to be a challenge for me. I went into this thinking okay, lets see how prepared I am to be able to handle having to take care of kids for that long on my own. It was by far the longest I've been asked to take care of kids since losing my boys over 6 years ago. I was nervous but I wanted to prove to myself that I could not only do it physically and emotionally, but that I would be successful and that next time K and C were told that I would be babysitting them they would be excited because I'm the 'fun' Aunt. 

So I may have put more pressure on myself than I should have, but I want to be a good mom. I wanted to prove to myself that I couldn't only do it, but find joy in it. Finding the joy was the most important part for me, because in my last days of being a mother to C and H I was having a hard time living in the moment. Enjoying their giggles, babble, endless chatter, and need for attention. Of course now that I'm doing so much better I wish beyond belief that I could have those things back....well all of it back, but you know what I mean. 

Some of the things that I tried with K and C didn't work out.  I admit that in the moment when K and C wasn't impressed or even willing to try these activities that I thought put time and effort into creating was not only frustrating but disheartening. I was failing...already! I physically shook my head telling myself to take a deep breath and just try something else. And I did. We finger painted, we played on the swings and jumped on the trampoline. I even let K pick out a movie while I held C to try to get him to take a nap( mommy forgot his playpen for nap time) K was thrilled and eventually C fell in my arms.The first 7 hours (1st day) wasn't perfect, but I was able to enjoy most of it. 

One of those sweet moments I was able to enjoy! Success!

Day 2 was a great in some ways harder in others. My DH was around in the morning. Which was awesome! I was able to shower and peace and gets some dishes done without having to worry about what the kiddos were doing. DH and I are going to make a great pair. DH even took K and C outside to play.

While they were out having fun. The tears came. They weren't the same kind of tears that dropped when I was sick trying to care for two children. They were tears of loss of my two beautiful boys.( Little C is just learning how to talk. He doesn't know my name and so he calls me 'moma'. It is bitter sweet to hear. I don't remember H ever calling me mommy.) They were tears of hope and gratitude. I was doing it. I can do it. Even though it brought back memories which I'm sure being a mother again will do. I am hoping that I will be able to enjoy the moments all the more because I will be having another chance instead of the opposite.

After DH left for work we had some more fun. We prepared a marshmallow fight for when their mom, grandma and aunt A came back from work. K was so so excited. It was fun. While we waited for the 'm war' I taught K and C sign language. Which K drinks in it like a sponge, I think she loves it so much because it helps her to communicate with C. She's a great Big Sister. :) C is really starting to sign a lot more, which is also getting him to talk more as well. It was so fun to teach sign. Something that I love to do. 

Waiting for Mom, Gma, and Aunt to come through the door.

K and C signs they made to let their Mom. G-ma, and Aunt know what was coming. Which we put on the front door with their bags of mallos.

I wish I would have gotten pictures of the fun fight. It was a blast!

The last two days was hard and so much fun. 

It has taught me two important things. 

1. I can have fun with kids and enjoy it without having intrusive thoughts or 'bad thoughts'. Maybe this was obvious. I mean I've never had any issues with other peoples kids, but I feared that since my nephew reminded me of my H that maybe I would have old 'bad' triggers. That didn't happen. Yeah!!

2. This future pregnancy and child while be emotional for me because it will remind me of the deep losses I have inside of me that maybe I haven't fully dealt with or may ever fully get over. That feeling those emotions will be normal, but that, those emotions are now separate from the ppd/ppa feelings.

I have made one more step towards being ready for being a mom again.

Yes, it was small, but small steps forward will still get me to the finish line.

Out of Darkness Walk

I did it.

I walked.

I wasn't sure I would be able to, given my bad back.

But I just had to.

It's been an emotional week for me. It being 'shark week' didn't help. As I was thinking about this walk and remembering the ugly, the lose, and the heartache....well it just made me incredibly sad. I read other bloggers stories, they inspire me and give me hope, but sometimes...some days I envy them. I wish that my story had ended more like theirs. I wish that I still had my little boys that I could tuck into bed each night. I wish that I could finally be one of those moms who found mostly joy in being a mom.

My journey was different. My losses deep.

As I thought of the many woman struggling right now. Knowing what it is like to not be able to find joy in the little things. I prayed. I prayed for them. I pray that they find the strength to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I pray they don't give up. I pray they are able to feel those moments of joy in being a mother one day soon.

As I walked this evening with my husband. I thought of those darkest days. The ones I didn't know if I'd make it through. Where there was just reminding myself to breath....in and out, in and out.

I thought of you and again prayed for you.

As I prayed I began to look around and realize all the beauties around me. The small things. The things I would have never been able to notice while I was sick.

In the middle (look closely) the swan you can see his reflection.

Tualitin River refection

DHubby

Two deer. Can you see them?!

The smell of the wet dirt, grass, trees.

Hearing the birds chirping. The splash in the river when a fish jumped and watching the rippling effect it caused in the water.

I could feel the warm sun kiss the skin on my face. The soft breeze tickling the hairs of my arm.

I could see the beautiful daises, and wild flowers. The otter swimming in the river, the bluish grey swan looking for dinner, the mother eagle sitting on top of her nest watching her little one. I imagine her encouraging and instructing her young one on how to fly as it was standing at the edge of the nest looking around trying to find the courage to spread its winds and fly.

My journey was painful and I have losses like everyone who experiences PPD/A but I have grown. I am stronger now. I am once again able to find peace and happiness in my everyday life. I am blessed.

I believe in the cause. I believe that knowledge is power. There is hope. There is Always Hope.

PostPartum Awareness

I have realized lately how much I lack in knowing the technology part of blogging. It seemed easy to start writing and letting people view my inter most fears and hardships. Hoping that maybe it will help someone who maybe be struggling, or perhaps help someone who knows of someone how is struggling.

I find myself frustrated in my lack of ability to help give support and awareness.

Next week on June 21st is a Climb out of the Darkness walk/hike for anyone and everyone who will help support the efforts in finding hope and light while suffering with mental mood disorders. I follow several blogs who are trying to earn money for this cause. It is a great movement and I wish I had to knowledge to help as they are.

Yet, I am lacking.

However I have learned to even though I am in Oregon, and it seems there is no 'climb out of the darkness' here. I can still join and do my own here at http://www.postpartumprogress.com/

I hope you can join me where ever you are in showing support whether financially or physically.

Help spread the hope.

to C & H

 There are so many things I wish I could say to my boys. Especially now as DH and I are planning and preparing to start to try to have another child. I wish that I could convince them of my love for them. I wish they knew how badly I wish that I could be a part of their lives right now. How I wish they weren't hurting or were confused about how come they can't see me. The list could go on and on. I LOVE! THEM! SO! MUCH!!!

I found this song today on youtube and it made me think of them. I love you C & H!!

Who HATES Mother's Day?!

I DO.

I remember as a little girl making/buying gifts, cards, or whatever for my mother. Singing to her at church and possibly even at home. It was great for me to remember/realize how much my mother really did for me. Honestly I must have been a very self centered child because rarely do I remember making such an effort to let her know I was grateful then on Mother's day.

Still today. As I think of Mother's day it gives me an excuse to treat my mother with something special. I enjoy being able to tell her I love you and thank her for her endless hours of service and care. I'm always amazed when I think about it, what an incredible job she really did.  That part of Mother's day I LOVE because the mothers in my life truly are incredible woman and deserve to be appreciated. I am grateful for this part of the day.

When I was a new mother I loved it as well. I was prego with my first and the anticipation I felt and the love I had for my unborn child was a dream come true. I'd always wanted to be a mother and moving forward in the goal was an incredible feeling.

Now however.

Ugh!! 

Mother's day is now taking my the loss of my two boys and shoving really hard in my face. No it's more like slamming in my face with a 2X4.Taking the dagger in my already infected heart and twisting it over and over again. I know it is unfair of me, but I envy all the mothers that are around me. Wishing that I was crying over the fact that I didn't feel like a good enough mother because Suzy over there is able to stay in shape, while home schooling her 7 kids, has all of her families year supply, cans and gardens every year, goes to all her kids endless events/games, and makes healthy yummy home cooked meals everyday, while keeping her house clean and adorable decorated as well. (You get the idea.) I have nothing to compare with. My boys are in someone elses arms this mothers day. They are making their adoptive mother little gifts made out of paper. They are telling her thank you and I love you.  (I am glad that they love their new mother, and show her the love and respect she deserves. Their mother is amazing. )Not me.

Will I ever get the chance to have that experience. Probably not with them. Maybe one day if J and I are able to have children in the future. Even then, though I will have joy in being a mother. And I will love those children and do the best I can as their mother to protect, teach, and provide for them. Those kids will never replace my little boys. I will always wonder how they are and always wish to be with them.

So to all my friends and family out there who try to tell me to look to the future. Concentrate on the now, tell me that you completely understand, or what ever advice you feel will be what I need to hear. Please refrain. You don't understand. It hurts and right now I just need a shoulder to cry on not a lecture on how you think I should be feeling. Please just hold me and show me that you care.