Finally an Update

Sorry....to those wondering how I have been doing out there. The delay in posting has been because honestly I didn't know how to write what I wanted to say. I still don't actually, but I just can't put if off any longer. My sweet Sunshine is taking a nap and so I am determined to do this today. :)

It's been just over 11 weeks now that I had my sunshine. In some ways it seems like that has been forever (during labor I was injured, symphysis pubis separation, I have been in a lot of physical pain and walking around as best I can with a walker.) When it comes to looking at my sunshine I can't believe that she is almost 3 months old already. What a joy she is!!

After the dramatic birth of sunshine. 13 hours of labor, with sunshine very stressed out heart rate kept dropping it all ended in the operating room. I had a c-section. Not what I wanted let alone planned, but thankfully our sunshine arrived safely. I ended up staying in the hospital for 6 days while the Dr's and nurses tried to figure out what was wrong and how to help control some of the pain.

Regardless of the physical drama I am thankful to say that emotionally I have been doing incredibly well. Yes it's true! It's a miracle! I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for healing me and letting me enjoy my sweet sunshine as I imagined it could be. I hold her and there is peace and love that swells through me. There is no confusing feelings or unwelcome thoughts and fears.

That is not to say that I have not felt the loss of my boys as I hold my little girl in my arms. I still ache for them I always will. Wishing that things were different, but reminding myself that they are in a good place and that I am grateful for that at least. I do know know if my sunshine will every know her brothers on a personal level, but she will know them from me.

With Mother's day coming up this Sunday the tears of my losses come in buckets. It has become of day of memories, and what if's, desperately aching for things to change and be better.

It STILL is.

But, this year. The first time in 8 long years, I have something to be grateful for. My little sunshine, I am well and I am her mommy and that is an incredible gift!

DH with sunshine 

about a week old

ahhh! baby feet. (the only time feet are cute)

Update: 28 weeks

Today I am officially 28 weeks.

It's seems crazy to think I only have another 12 weeks to prepare to meet baby girl.

I have been working hard to get through some of my fears. In my research and preparation I learned about Hypnobirthing. The more I have read about it the more I am loving it. Through meditation and relaxation I am learning to let go of the fears created from the past and move forward with peace and calm. Not to say that I still don't have doubts and fears that I am working on, but it's nice to have something to work on and practice that gives me a sense of control in myself and the day of birth for my baby girl.

My goal is to have a natural birth/post birth experience, but I have accepted that if medication or other methods are needed to secure mine and my babies safety then I will take that route without doubting my abilities to be a good mother to my child.

I am now to the point were I meet with my midwife twice a month now. I am meeting with a therapist as well. Which has only help build my confidence in my abilities to have a positive experience, while at the same time, be aware of any changes that might occur in my body and mind. I feel my relationship with my therapist is at a place now where she will be able to help me recognize if there steps that need to be met.

There is much to do in the next 3 months. I am grateful I have this time to practice and prepare for baby girl, but I am so looking forward to holding baby girl in my arms and knowing that she is mine.

I have much to be grateful for, and a chance to be a mother again is one of my greatest blessings of all. Regardless of what may come in the future I know the Lord knows and loves me. That He knows and loves this baby and that He is forever on our side and as we continue to turn to Him we wont lose.

It's a....

       It was incredible to get to see our little angel up close and personal on Thursday morning. :)

She was so perfect! She melted our hearts. Even though DH would have liked a boy to carry on the last name he is super excited to have a Daddy's girl, and she already is. Seriously he comes home and starts talking to her and rubbing my belly and all the sudden she is awake and so excited. She loves her daddy! It's adorable!!

Guess what!!!

It's been awhile.

I am sorry. Been meaning to write and tell you our news, but I wanted to give my friends and family so time to adjust first.

We Are EXPECTING!!

8 years ago today was the day I had my second little boy. The day of agony and pain, and I was willing to go through that terrible pain, because I was expecting to hold my little boy and feel peace and love towards him and all would be right and perfect. Well it didn't turn out that way. Though I love my little H peace, rightness, and perfection was far from my mind. Something happened and all craziness broke lose. It was horrific! I hated where my mind went with everything that had to do with being a mother. Hope was lost. The peace I ached for seemed just out of reach no matter what I did except for the few moments in the temple or while receiving a blessing from a worthy priesthood holding. 

Today like every year has been an emotional roller coaster as I think back and feel the loss of what that day cost me. I am without my little H. He lives in another state. He is happy and well taken care of, but I miss him and his older brother EVERYDAY. I am grateful that he and his brother are well, but I wish I was part of the reason he was happy. I know that I did the right thing for my boys, just like I know that I'm doing the right thing now for my little family. A lot of the time however doing what is right isn't easy. 

So even though today I have reflected a lot on what has been lost I am in awe that 8 years later I have been given a second chance. As this baby kicks inside of me letting me know he/she is there and growing is a miracle to me is so many ways. I have peace knowing that I am doing what the Lord has called on Jake and I to do. I know that He is with me in this. I know that He will always be there to help me through whatever happens in the future. Today though my tears are full of loss they are also full of gratitude. My Lord, Our Lord loves me. He knows my desires and wants. He knows my weakness and strengths. He will give me the strength that I need to make it through this. He will bless me. He has promised to do so. I know that I may never understand until after this life fully why I had to lose my little ones before, but I am grateful that I know of His love and His desire for me to succeed and be happy. 

Climb Out of Darkness 2014

I was quite sick this year, and so though I wanted to climb with the other women in Portland this year I decided it would be better to stick some what closer to home, just in case.

My DH and I hiked Angel's Rest.

It was challenging for me, being so sick physically, but it reminded me how far I have come and what can be accomplished if you just keep moving forward.

This is considered a weed to most here in Oregon I learned, but I found beauty in it.
Guess you can find beauty in anything if you chose to look at it in such light.

A peak of what reaching the top will be like.
This reminded me about my journey out of the darkness of my depression. Most of the time I could only concentrate on the steps I had to make to keep moving forward, panting, needing breaks, feeling the burn in my muscles from the effort, but once in awhile I would have a good day, or a good week and I could see more then just the dirt below my feet. There was a glimpse of the life I once enjoyed. I cherished it! 

I have always found dead trees incredibly beautiful. I have been told how odd this is, but it's the truth. They are no longer carry life, no more leaves to cover the brown bark, but they have a beautiful story to tell.
This how strong they are. All these trees are still standing tall. What they have had to endure, they are a source of strength and power to me. 

Beautiful wild flowers along the side of the dirt path. What are you wild flowers that help you see the good in your climb? If you don't have any that you can think of try to find something that makes you want to smile throughout the day. Is it the calm after the kids leave for school? Is it your cup of tea? Is it getting to finally take a shower?
Having the energy to get out of bed? Whatever it is I encourage you to look and find those things that give you a moment of peace and a breath of fresh air.

Another peak of beauty. I'm getting closer I can tell.

This moment in the hike was incredible. At first I was elated I had made it. I was done.
The view is/was incredible! I can see far and wide.
It's breathtaking! And in a good way. Finally!
Then I noticed a couple of hiking coming out of a clearing just above these rocks and realized that I wasn't to the top yet.
It was a disappointment I will admit, but I realized that I still have more to go, more healing, more taking one step and a time. I looked back at that moment to this view. Took it in to try my best to remember it and move forward once again.

I don't know if you can tell, but this is a part of the sole of a shoe someone lost on the trail.
When I saw it, I thought how all of us who are or have struggled or will struggle with PPD/A has changed.
My soul has changed. There are parts of my heart that will never be the same. The damage is done, but that doesn't mean that I can't keep moving forward. That I am not stronger then I once was, even with the loss that I have and will endure with this illness. This part in my journey was profound. The tears came and I let them.
I have lost a lot, my DH held me. Giving me the support I needed and I continued on.

Almost there. At the very last stretch of climbing we had to hike up and over these HUGE boulders.

The top in site. :)

The remarkable view!
I did it! Sick and all and I made it to the top!

It was hard, it was painful, it was lets face it humiliating, but oh was it worth it!

We did it! (and look we are even smiling)

One more step towards a better me. :)

Hoping you find a happy moment in your day!

Taking a Mental Day

My heart strings have been pulled so tight ever since getting to see my handsome boys 2 months ago. In some ways it feels like a dream still, and yet as I close my eyes I can see their young bright smiles. How I miss them! How I ache for them! How I worry for them! My prayers always directed to their home in UT.

What a blessing it was to see them. To see them healthy and happy. I am so grateful for the opportunity to see them, to get to know them a little bit.

At the same time it has made me miss them all the more. The wounds have been ripped opened.

I have been trying my best to function, cope, and yet move forward.

I know now that I will never be considered a mother to my sweet boys even though I still feel like I am their mother. Mom to them will forever be directed towards my selfless loving sister. Many times I have ached to be in her shoes, but as I heard them refer to her as mom I forced a smile to block the tears that suddenly wanted to fall. I couldn't let them escape. I was determined to enjoy every moment with my little ones. And I did. I relished it. I continue to play it over and over again in my head and heart. Holding onto every memory. Every feeling. Every laughter and smile that came from their mouths to my eyes and ears.

Maybe since I felt I had to hold strong to the heartache erupting inside of me when I saw them walk through my parents front door and those few hours is why I haven't been able to let myself truly wet my face with the deep loss that I felt and feel until now.

Today I was planning to go on another hike. I have been hiking alone lately. ( I will write more about my experiences in a later post). Instead of the hike, instead of doing the dishes, the laundry, and getting a swim in or something for that matter. I have sat in bed listening to touching music and letting the tears finally fall. It's been heartbreaking and healing.

Days like today I wonder why this all happened. Did I deserve to get sick? Did I deserve to lose my boys? Did I deserve all the harsh judgments? The lost friends and family members?

What was I to learn from this? Am I in anyway better now that I've healed? Am I making any difference in my life now? Am I helping those who struggle today with the scary dark cloud that covers so many beautiful woman out there? What can I do differently? How can I make losing everything a positive thing at least for those that I am around?

Of course I didn't deserve it. No one does! Did it happen to me? Yes. Did it impact my life? Yes! Will I ever be C and H's mother to them...maybe never. I hope one day to be a friend, mentor, confidant....who knows maybe one day I will be able to help them in ways that I never could if I was still their 'mother'. Our God, our great God whom I call my loving gracious Heavenly Father has a plan. He knows me and He knows my boys. He will make everything okay, and He can make things even better then I can imagine if I just let Him.

The judgments and loss of friends and family still hurt when I think about those days. If I have learned one thing in all of this it is to not be so quick to judge. Even a mother who looks like she has it all. Looks completely put together and doesn't have a challenge in the world, behind closed doors it is Always a different story. My compassion for people, mothers especially has grown in a way that probably never would have happened had I not had my own personal turmoil with PPD/A. My compassion for couples who are unable to have children. People who have never married though it has always been their dream. Any one persons dream to do something whatever it maybe. My love for those around me has grown so much. For that I am grateful.

The friends I have lost...well it will never be easy to look back upon, but I have gained new friends. Some I may never have met had I not gone through such a challenging time in my life. With my family....things are still strained. Some very strained, but I still love them. I also hope that maybe there is a part in their heart for me as well. Until that day when they realize I wasn't making things up. That I was doing the best that I could. That I was listening and trying my best to be the mom that I SO DESIRED TO BE!!! One day I hope that things will be better. One day.

I don't know that I am making much of an impact on anyone. Right now, I have gotten the impression that many mothers don't want to hear my story, or talk to me about what happened. I believe most of that is because of fear and triggers. My story so far doesn't sound like a happily ever after that we all like to hear, me included in that. (Could be wrong of course.) I can sympathize with that though. I know that while I was sick I couldn't deal with such harsh realities. I couldn't watch the news. I would stay inside to protect myself from the 'worlds' harshness and judgments at times. One day I hope that all those who read my story find hope and strength to keep moving forward. I know that losing my boys, and a valued relationship with my family looks awful. It was awful, but I'm more than that!

My story didn't end when I lost my boys. My story didn't end when I got a divorce. My story didn't end when I moved away from my family so that I wouldn't have to feel to left out and 'black sheepish'. My story hasn't ended yet and neither has yours. I pray no one has to loss as much as I have lost in this illness. The lose is incredible deep and days like today I let myself really feel it, but my life is good. It's not how I pictured it, but I have chosen to accept what was and what is and move forward to the best of my ability. Some may never understand or want to understand....some may really be sick of my ramblings and give up on me. That's okay. I am inviting you to find hope, because even though I literally lost everything I am making something of my life. I am finding happiness even with my heart still hurting. There is a future for me. Just like their is a future for you. Whatever I/you are struggling with today, may not be gone tomorrow, in a week, or in years. I try not to over think it... one day at a time. I can do this one day at a time. It's not so overwhelming that way. It's more doable. I can find hope in the tomorrows that way.

Today I let the tears fall, for I have much to grieve, and I accept that.However tomorrow is a new day.

To better tomorrows.

PS. However hard it has been and will be. I can't WAIT to see my boys again! I won't stop hoping that I will get that chance again.

Big Step

After work my DH and I went for a hike to

celebrate our freedoms and enjoy the beauties that this country provides us.

We decided to go to Multnomah Falls, a popular hike here in Oregon.

Last year around this time I asked Jake to drive me there.

I was still in to much physical pain to hike it, but I wanted to see it and set a goal to be able to hike that steep but so worth it hike.

The drive alone kept me in bed for the next few days.

This year we made it to the top!

Legs burning, but we did it!

The very top of Multnomah Falls. None of the pictures do it justice.
A railing kept for getting a picture that could show you how far up we were.
Not that I would have gotten any closer. I'm a afraid of hieghts...add water to that and it's a disaster just waiting to happen if you ask me.

Such a beautiful sunset!

Love the colors contrast!

None of the pictures are filtered by the way. I'm not that tech savvy yet.

One years time and look what I can do now. I know that it's hard in the moment to look forward to the future. So if you feel overwhelmed by the future now just take a moment to notice something beautiful around you now and breath it in.

Regardless of weather it's smell of a rose, watching the sun go down,

listening to music that reaches your soul, the feel of water and sand between your toes.

Whatever it is take a moment and enjoy, because in the moment life is good.

It rejuvenates. 

Find the good and let yourself enjoy it!